I just came to the realization how time flies... tonight is one of my many unpeaceful nights. Nights which makes me think of the things beyond my dreams. But my biggest "issue" in life is that until now i cannot say that I have a family of my own. it's never "WE", which means- me, my husband and our baby... It's always "WE", which means - me and my husband. And I came to realize that a few months from now, we'll be on our 6th year!
I never imagined that trying to conceive would be such a long and dusty road. As sad as it is to admit, it’s hard to hear about my cousins, neighbors and friends getting pregnant and having children. It’s even harder when you have to witness all their joys and changes (even though i am sincerely happy for them) and then look at myself and realize everything…changes. Every day, as often as they think about their own children, is as often i think about the ones i should have. I just never imagined myself getting married and then fighting with my body to have the ONE thing that I desire above anything else…a baby.
I keep catching myself idolizing getting pregnant, having a baby, and raising a toddler. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. Every day i think about when i will have children, and it is soooo hard walking past pregnant women and baby shops. i tried not to be bitter but sometimes i cant help it. even when i was still single, i never failed to go into all the baby stores in the malls and pick out some stuffs as my collections which eventually became gifts to my nieces, nephews or my friends' babies. when i was diagnosed with infertility problem, i thought it was not a big deal, i thought medications will help me in just one click! but i was wrong! Time has passed and until now i am still waiting in vain! I've been to a roller-coaster-ride emotion! Maybe a thousand-blog-entry is not enough to express my ups and downs of my struggles. my passion in going into baby shops vanished for some time. i couldn't even walk past those shops or even look at my collections of baby magazines and other baby stuffs. i have plenty of mags about babies and parenting which for some time was put at the deepest part of my closet to avoid even a slight glimpse of it! i gave away all my Elmo of sesame street collections. taking away all my treasured possession was painful... but i was able to recover from that down moment... i now again visit baby shops... i go and do something which i know would hurt me, but i haven't given up hope (for now) so i now again walk around the baby section touching every single baby stuff i would like to have someday for my baby and even pick up baby and parenting mags to add to my collections and instead of hiding it in my closet, i now put it in my magazine rack and read it every once in a while. i don't know why i do this to myself when i know it might just hurt me again, but i know that if i didn't, i would have given up hope of ever having a baby.
Sigh!
I never imagined that trying to conceive would be such a long and dusty road. As sad as it is to admit, it’s hard to hear about my cousins, neighbors and friends getting pregnant and having children. It’s even harder when you have to witness all their joys and changes (even though i am sincerely happy for them) and then look at myself and realize everything…changes. Every day, as often as they think about their own children, is as often i think about the ones i should have. I just never imagined myself getting married and then fighting with my body to have the ONE thing that I desire above anything else…a baby.
I keep catching myself idolizing getting pregnant, having a baby, and raising a toddler. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. Every day i think about when i will have children, and it is soooo hard walking past pregnant women and baby shops. i tried not to be bitter but sometimes i cant help it. even when i was still single, i never failed to go into all the baby stores in the malls and pick out some stuffs as my collections which eventually became gifts to my nieces, nephews or my friends' babies. when i was diagnosed with infertility problem, i thought it was not a big deal, i thought medications will help me in just one click! but i was wrong! Time has passed and until now i am still waiting in vain! I've been to a roller-coaster-ride emotion! Maybe a thousand-blog-entry is not enough to express my ups and downs of my struggles. my passion in going into baby shops vanished for some time. i couldn't even walk past those shops or even look at my collections of baby magazines and other baby stuffs. i have plenty of mags about babies and parenting which for some time was put at the deepest part of my closet to avoid even a slight glimpse of it! i gave away all my Elmo of sesame street collections. taking away all my treasured possession was painful... but i was able to recover from that down moment... i now again visit baby shops... i go and do something which i know would hurt me, but i haven't given up hope (for now) so i now again walk around the baby section touching every single baby stuff i would like to have someday for my baby and even pick up baby and parenting mags to add to my collections and instead of hiding it in my closet, i now put it in my magazine rack and read it every once in a while. i don't know why i do this to myself when i know it might just hurt me again, but i know that if i didn't, i would have given up hope of ever having a baby.
Sigh!
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