It is funny how the craziest things in life can make you jealous. I recently found out about a relative of a friend who is expecting with one of those 'surprise pregnancies'. She has a few older children and definitely wasn't planning this pregnancy. I cannot even begin to imagine how great a surprise pregnancy would be!!! ooopppsss!!! do I sound so serious??? Bear with me, I think I am really serious this time... to the extent that I can't sleep so I opened my computer and now starting to write endlessly!
Anyways, I am not jealous to the extent that I cannot be happy for that person or for anyone else in a similar situation. Maybe jealous is not the right word. It could be envy or desire. I do know that I wish that those who have never experienced infertility could better understand what some people have to go through. My life would have been easier in many aspects if I had not had to deal with infertility, but looking back I wouldn't change who I am or any of my experiences.
It would be great if some of the blessed women would realize what a blessing it is to be pregnant without even trying. If those that have been blessed and doesn't experience any difficulty conceiving could somehow understand that comments about how much they hate being pregnant and how much they don't think they can handle one more baby can hurt so many people. There are so many women that would give up everything for morning sickness and sore backs. They would gladly welcome labor pains and sleepless nights. They dream about feedings at 2:00 am and cannot wait to smell poopy diapers.
I know because I am one of those women. But I will never and do not ever want to forget. I am part of a special and wonderful group of women. There is something about infertility that bonds women with common trials in life. A sisterhood is formed that unties women from all walks of life. No matter how different we look or what languages we speak, we are all the same. We understand even when no words are spoken. We experience things together - it is like a never ending chain that links us all together. When something happens along one link of the chain, we are all, in some way, affected.
I often cry tears of sadness and joy. Some of which are for women that I know. Some of which are for women that I have never met in person. Some of which are for women that I don't know at all. I check different blogs and my e-mail a few times a day, and I know that i'm just one of the millions who are trying to be strong and keeping their faith alive!
I remember one time, while i was having a conversation with one of my closest friends, how she was shocked when I "casually" said about me being infertile. And she asked me why I consider myself infertile? I wasn't sure if i felt offended or unaffected. But for a moment, i was somehow hurt (a little), i just can't understand how my friend managed to ask me that silly question? She's been with me in my 5-year struggle and yet she was surprised about me considered as infertile!!! But i know that it was an honest mistake, i know that she doesn't mean anything about it... I know that she'll do nothing that might offend me with my trials.
I have to live with it for now. I cannot even begin to imagine what life without infertility would be like. No stress. No doctor’s appointments. No obsessing about every little twinge or cramp. No symptoms to second guess yourself about. No money spent. No disappointments. No fear. No pills. No transvaginal ultrasounds. No worrying about estrogen, progesterone, LH, and FSH levels. No counting of follicles. No wondering if any of your eggs will fertilize correctly. No wondering. No Hoping. No tears. No sleepless nights!
To wake up one day and feel a little different. To casually glance at a calendar with a puzzled look. To not remember what day your period was due. To figure out what day your period was due, and then realize that you are four days late. To think that you should probably buy a pregnancy test one day soon and see two purple lines. To wonder how you could have forgotten your period was late. I can only dream...
At the same time, I cannot imagine my life without infertility. I have such a love for kids. This does not, by any means, mean that they don't drive me crazy sometimes. They are kids after all. Sometimes I just stare at cute little kids when i go to the mall, hear mass or see my cousins. I have to be careful though, because if I stare too long I'm afraid I might start to cry. I cry tears of happiness for how much I know my affection when it comes to children. I cry tears for the journey that i am having right now. I cry tears for my long wait. There was a time when I had almost convinced myself that I might not have a chance anymore. I almost wanted to give up. But right now i am starting to regain my faith and eagerness. I am now again trying... trying... and trying... until the day that i can.
I just can't control my emotions whenever I see babies. Even now, I find myself staring at pregnant women and babies. I wonder about their stories. I still do get pangs of jealousy when I see twins. I am really fascinated with twins... i have a strong feeling that given a chance by God, I might have twins!!! I am crossing my fingers! Whew! A lot of positive thinking I need!
Infertility did and still does reach to the core of who I am as a woman and has tested me in ways that I never knew were possible. I try to survive in the best way that I can. I know that not all women are as fortunate. And that fact breaks my heart. There are so many questions that I will never have answers to. One of those is: Why was I one of the unlucky ones? To all those still battling infertility - I am thinking of you. I promise to never forget. I wish I could hug all of you just as how i would like myself to be hugged and comforted, because some things just cannot be expressed in words.
These are my opinions and my feelings. I am not trying to speak for all of those who have experienced infertility - and I do not try to completely understand what each individual has or is going through. I also don't mean to imply that those without infertility problems do not cherish their kids or appreciate their pregnancies. I know that most do. It is not my intention to upset or hurt anyone. I just wish that more people were compassionate about this issue, and that they thought before they spoke. I wish that more people realized how hard it can be for some people to get and then stay pregnant. I just wish that they may be sensitive enough to understand what women like me have been going through.
I hope I can now sleep comfortably!!! 'can't believe that I made this long, emotional and sincere thoughts!
Anyways, I am not jealous to the extent that I cannot be happy for that person or for anyone else in a similar situation. Maybe jealous is not the right word. It could be envy or desire. I do know that I wish that those who have never experienced infertility could better understand what some people have to go through. My life would have been easier in many aspects if I had not had to deal with infertility, but looking back I wouldn't change who I am or any of my experiences.
It would be great if some of the blessed women would realize what a blessing it is to be pregnant without even trying. If those that have been blessed and doesn't experience any difficulty conceiving could somehow understand that comments about how much they hate being pregnant and how much they don't think they can handle one more baby can hurt so many people. There are so many women that would give up everything for morning sickness and sore backs. They would gladly welcome labor pains and sleepless nights. They dream about feedings at 2:00 am and cannot wait to smell poopy diapers.
I know because I am one of those women. But I will never and do not ever want to forget. I am part of a special and wonderful group of women. There is something about infertility that bonds women with common trials in life. A sisterhood is formed that unties women from all walks of life. No matter how different we look or what languages we speak, we are all the same. We understand even when no words are spoken. We experience things together - it is like a never ending chain that links us all together. When something happens along one link of the chain, we are all, in some way, affected.
I often cry tears of sadness and joy. Some of which are for women that I know. Some of which are for women that I have never met in person. Some of which are for women that I don't know at all. I check different blogs and my e-mail a few times a day, and I know that i'm just one of the millions who are trying to be strong and keeping their faith alive!
I remember one time, while i was having a conversation with one of my closest friends, how she was shocked when I "casually" said about me being infertile. And she asked me why I consider myself infertile? I wasn't sure if i felt offended or unaffected. But for a moment, i was somehow hurt (a little), i just can't understand how my friend managed to ask me that silly question? She's been with me in my 5-year struggle and yet she was surprised about me considered as infertile!!! But i know that it was an honest mistake, i know that she doesn't mean anything about it... I know that she'll do nothing that might offend me with my trials.
I have to live with it for now. I cannot even begin to imagine what life without infertility would be like. No stress. No doctor’s appointments. No obsessing about every little twinge or cramp. No symptoms to second guess yourself about. No money spent. No disappointments. No fear. No pills. No transvaginal ultrasounds. No worrying about estrogen, progesterone, LH, and FSH levels. No counting of follicles. No wondering if any of your eggs will fertilize correctly. No wondering. No Hoping. No tears. No sleepless nights!
To wake up one day and feel a little different. To casually glance at a calendar with a puzzled look. To not remember what day your period was due. To figure out what day your period was due, and then realize that you are four days late. To think that you should probably buy a pregnancy test one day soon and see two purple lines. To wonder how you could have forgotten your period was late. I can only dream...
At the same time, I cannot imagine my life without infertility. I have such a love for kids. This does not, by any means, mean that they don't drive me crazy sometimes. They are kids after all. Sometimes I just stare at cute little kids when i go to the mall, hear mass or see my cousins. I have to be careful though, because if I stare too long I'm afraid I might start to cry. I cry tears of happiness for how much I know my affection when it comes to children. I cry tears for the journey that i am having right now. I cry tears for my long wait. There was a time when I had almost convinced myself that I might not have a chance anymore. I almost wanted to give up. But right now i am starting to regain my faith and eagerness. I am now again trying... trying... and trying... until the day that i can.
I just can't control my emotions whenever I see babies. Even now, I find myself staring at pregnant women and babies. I wonder about their stories. I still do get pangs of jealousy when I see twins. I am really fascinated with twins... i have a strong feeling that given a chance by God, I might have twins!!! I am crossing my fingers! Whew! A lot of positive thinking I need!
Infertility did and still does reach to the core of who I am as a woman and has tested me in ways that I never knew were possible. I try to survive in the best way that I can. I know that not all women are as fortunate. And that fact breaks my heart. There are so many questions that I will never have answers to. One of those is: Why was I one of the unlucky ones? To all those still battling infertility - I am thinking of you. I promise to never forget. I wish I could hug all of you just as how i would like myself to be hugged and comforted, because some things just cannot be expressed in words.
These are my opinions and my feelings. I am not trying to speak for all of those who have experienced infertility - and I do not try to completely understand what each individual has or is going through. I also don't mean to imply that those without infertility problems do not cherish their kids or appreciate their pregnancies. I know that most do. It is not my intention to upset or hurt anyone. I just wish that more people were compassionate about this issue, and that they thought before they spoke. I wish that more people realized how hard it can be for some people to get and then stay pregnant. I just wish that they may be sensitive enough to understand what women like me have been going through.
I hope I can now sleep comfortably!!! 'can't believe that I made this long, emotional and sincere thoughts!
1 comment:
hi! thank you for the comment you left on my blog..
I don't know what to say...I just hope we both find strength in the LOrd and I hope someday both of us will have that bundle of joy in our hands.
Keep on praying!
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