sentiments! again?

Insensitive? Stupid? Devil? Or Asshole!!! Hahaha!!! I can’t find the most appropriate words to match to people I hate! People like HELL! Do I sound so angry??? Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale… Damn!

I’m in my usual afternoon delight (LOL). Chatting with my YM friends and my sister Janice while browsing my friendster account and visiting blog sites, when suddenly, a YM buddy went online and sent me an IM. My cousin… I’ll call her M. She’s on my list of buddies for so long but hasn’t had a chat with her even once. First time… and she’s busted already!!! I think my blood went up to my head! She has just ruined my day!

When M buzzed me, I was excited at first since we haven’t seen each other for months already. M and I were classmates in High School and College. She already has 2 sons and a jobless husband! Do I sound mean? I am sorry, I know it’s not a good thing to say since I myself is also jobless! Hahaha!!! But in my case it’s by choice! And I am a housewife! Unlike for some people who knew that they have so much obligations, but instead of working for the family, keeps lying in bed all day long! Just like a househusband??? LOL!LOL!LOL!

GOD, Please forgive me! I just wanted to take away the anger in me! If not, I think my mind could blow up!!! If this is the way to ease my pain and anger, please let it be! AMEN!

Months of no communication, all I got was stress! HAHAHA! She asked why there is no baby yet for me. I answered her usual answer such as… In God’s time… No blessing yet… I’m patient… I don’t lose hope… I’m not tired of waiting…etc… but she’s so stupid to prolong the discussion and told me that she’s working hard to save more money since Christmas is fast approaching. So I told her, “why are you doubling your effort to work so hard? You only have 2 kids”. Good thing I am not so mean like her, I should have said…”why don’t you tell your husband to look for a job so that she can help you earn for the family?” But I’m not like that….I’d rather keep my silence! Or I’d rather speak it up in my blogs! Just like what I’m doing right now! She told me that she needs to work hard for the gifts she needs to buy for the ascending numbers of her godchildren. It’s not a bad idea or bad words to say, but until she said some things which I hate to hear the most, such as...I am already waiting for your child… I will volunteer to be a godmother… What’s taking you so long?... You should double your effort… and the worst thing of all??? Are you the one with the problem? Or your husband??? STUPID!!! IDIOT!!! Everybody’s welcome to tag a name to this unworthy creature!!!

I know I’ve been used to this scenarios… For the longest time, I’ve been numb, deaf and mute! I thought I’ve taken things like this lightly… I thought I could just smile and laugh with it… but all things have limitations. Just imagine me against a dozen or more of stupid people! I am widely open when it comes to issues of my being childless but to a certain point that not all people I know can have equal share of my stories in life. In my blogs, I don’t hide anything about my emotions, anger, pain, worries and sentiments. Some may feel offended and others may feel sensitive especially to some entries wherein I am vocal about how I wanted things to be when it comes to being tactful and considerate with my feelings. But if you are really a friend, you need not to worry about the negative things that you’ve read in my blogs, IT”S DEFINITELY NOT MEANT FOR YOU!!! You need not to feel guilty or offended if you know that you are with me in my trials and journey. You know what you are and who you are in my life!!!! Unless, you are not sincere and honest with me… I need not pity nor empathy… I just want a TRUE FRIEND. Someone who reaches my hands, but touches my heart.

strawberry mania!

Why strawberry? It all started with my "addiction" to strawberry flavored foods, drinks and shakes... anything that has strawberry! I love the taste of strawberry... strawberry ice creams, lollipops, candies and even chocolates with strawberry bits (especially the hershey's chocolate with strawberry). Most of my friends laugh about my addiction with strawberry flavored foods and drinks, for them it's an awful taste, it's like medicine!! hahaha!!! I don't care! i love strawberry to the max... I remember, my mother-in-law bought fresh strawberries, it was a little bit expensive since we don't have strawberries in our local market. She made strawberry shake and no one was interested with it except me. LOL! From that time on, whenever she buys ice cream, she doesn't forget to buy strawberry flavored ice-cream. hehehe! I always have strawberry syrup in my fridge, i love to make fruit flavored gelatins with cream and glaze it with strawberry syrup (but chocolate syrup for my hubby).

Then goes my addiction with strawberries! I am so fond of kiddie stuffs... I find STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE so cute! My cousin Jasmin gave me a big strawberry shortcake sticker.


Before, i was so fond of ELMO of Sesame Street... I used to collect Elmo stuffs... but I got tired of it for some reasons and I gave away some of those to my cousins who also loves Elmo except for the those which were given to me as gifts (the stuffed toy and mug that my husband gave me, the elmo pillow given to me by Laarni-my sister in law and the tote bag given by my sister Janice. Of course I treasure gifts given to me by special people in my heart. OOWWWSSSS!


My strawberry collection started a year ago, and while I was cleaning my stuffs, i realized that I have more than a dozen already and i got so excited I took pictures of my collection. Some of those I bought and some were given by my friends. The very first in my collection was the strawberry shirt I bought in greenhills. I actually bought it not because of the strawberry but because it's pink. LOL! PINK! PINK! PINK! Another collection!!! I'll tell it in my next blog! Just a teaser on how I'm so crazy with pink? We have a dog. A doberman. Her name is PINK! LOL!

Back with my strawberry! In the picture, I was with my friend Mayla, who actually bought a shirt with a strawberry to match up with my shirt! how sweet! and she also gave me the plastic cup, earrings and coasters with strawberry prints.

i'm sure !!! more strawberry stuffs to come in the future!!!

blah!blah!blah!

it's been quite a while since my last blog... I've been busy these past few days. So many things happened but no time to sit-and-blog!!!! Anyway, what I've been busy about???

Last Saturday, we had a party for my sister Ara... it was a rush party!!! they just wanted to enjoy and savor the moment, so they don't want to wait for the oath-taking ceremony which will be on Sept. 3! good thing that an instant party is never a problem for us since my mother is good at it! plus with the help of my tita merly... but still it was a bit stressful! Imagine, we only had 24-hr-preparation time. But it was just a small party for friends and relatives... It was fun... I ordered 2 dozens white and green balloons (I especially ordered 1 white balloon for MAKI-Ara's bestfriend, but unfortunately it blew up before he arrived! hahaha! a "kind-hearted" Jovy (hehehe) added the decorations with her "balloon-decorating-hobby"... beautiful balloons! We almost forgot about the balloons... the party already started and the balloons were waiting at the room! hehehe She actually promised that she'll make lots and lots of beautiful balloons for my baby's parties... and again for free!!! UGH!!! HAHAHA!!! Silly girl!!! Who knows???? maybe in the YEARS to come!!! As in years!!! At least, there is still hope... oh!!! well... No Sunday Recipe since we woke up late, tired and feeling "bobby"!!! BABLOY!!! But it was a revelation day for my sister Ara!!! She can actually sing! hahaha! i didn't know what happened to her!!! Videoke Queen!!! Imagine, singing out loud from 8am to 5pm!!! kawawa naman kapitbahay ko!!!

Again, yesterday, No cooking 101! i forgot to buy ingredients for my Sunday Recipe!!! I went out to meet with my friends Mayla and Marycel... Nothing so important, just to see each other and tsika tsika endlessly and not to forget window shopping!!! just window shopping!!!hehehe When I got home, I was surprised to see my sister-in-law and her son Ethan watching TV with my husband Ernie. We had a good time watching TV while playing with Ethan and eating hotdogs and bacon sandwich and C2 and Fit 'n right!!!(that's all I got in my Ref! hehehe) Good thing, I bought Jollibee french fries! That's Ethan's favorite!

Actually, I don't know why I am writing my blog today without passion!!! at the corner of my screen i see "1:28 AM" but i can't sleep! I don't know what's bothering me!! I just ate 2-pc crackers and hot milk but still even if i shut my eyes, it's hard to sleep... ernie's already snoring to the maximum level! hahahha! kakainggit!! maybe because i've just watched a true to life movie about the 2004 tsunami in thailand!!!!! I don't know why i am so engrossed in watching movies about natural calamaties/disasters!!!hahaha!!! Kalokah!!!

i know something is bothering me!!! I think I've found the reason why i can't sleep... i can now picture it on my mind... i gotta slip on my bed and blanket since now i have something to think of for me to be sleepy...

hayyyy!!! i'm going crazy!!! that's me!! i should have something to think about for me to get a real sleep!!!

O! naloka ka??? Nonsense di ba??? Hahaha !!! Sorry!!!

PROUD SIS!

A few hours ago, around 10:30Pm, I was ready to sleep when I received a text message!!! I panicked! Sobrang nerbiyos to the max! Sanay naman ako to receive text messages kahit unholy hour!!! But the text message alert made me nervous... When i read it, it was from my sister Ara... I became more nervous!!! I checked my watch and was more puzzled... tulog na siya dapat by that time (she has the early-to-bed-but-NOT-early-to rise attitude! hahaha!) She asked me if i was browsing the net. And there goes my adrenaline rush!!! I know what she was trying to say! The time that we've all been waiting for!!! The nursing board exam results!!! I immediately opened my computer and checked... my heart was beating fast - my hands were shaking while trying to search for the results. I cannot even type the correct word to search!!! Hahaha! Maybe I was more tensed than my sister.

At first I told her that it's a false alarm. I haven't got any result... and then she told me to check with inquirer's website, i was so tensed that I almost felt like fainting!!!!!! I almost laughed hilariously because i was just about to text her to come so that she can view the results herself, but she was already at the doorstep! Hehehe

And then we got what we've been looking for! NO. 3899. BERNALDEZ, SUNSHINE BASALLOTE!!!! we cried out loud!!! Shout for Joy!!! We forgot that somebody was asleep!!! Bossing Ernie! Harharhar! anyway, he didn't get mad... in fact, he joined our "shout for joy" performance!!! We immediately called Janice (to complete the "tres-marias-fever"). And we were all talking like it was noontime!!! Laughing became more hilarious because we were already at cloud nine for about 30 minutes and we forgot to break the news to more important people... mama and papa... and also akeem!!!! They were already asleep that time! I immediately called Mama, and it took several rings before she answered the phone... and I told her while giggling... "Ma, Ara passed the exam!!!". The funny thing is that... maybe she was just half-awake! hahaha!!! She thought I was Ara's friend! and then she said, "sandali lang, tulog na yata." LOL!!! And then I heard her went to Ara's room and maybe she was shocked when she realized that Ara's not in her room!!! MAMA TALAGA!!! BLOOPERS!!! And I heard her talking loudly... "Si Ara? Hain si Ara?" and then next was banging of screen door... "Tony, wara si Ara sa kwarto!"

Hay Buhay!!! Mama talaga!!! She totally forgot that she was talking with somebody on the phone!!! LOL! I immediatelly dialed Mama's CP number...and when she answered I told her... "RELAX!!!!" hahaha... well, that's my momma!!! Queen of Bloopers!!! And then i told her that her most precious daughter (HEHEHE) is now a Registered Nurse!!! Imagine, we were all wide-awake at 11PM.... all of us 6 (mama, papa, ara, akeem, me and ernie) were in 1 very small room! hahaha! kawawa naman bed namin! hehehe! It was one great night for us! Complete attendance - Janice and Deep thru voice chat and webcam... at least we're complete!!!

To Ara (Our Registered Nurse and Midwife): WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

To Ish and Maki - Congrats man!!!

Come to think of it! Just this afternoon, I was teasing Ara pledging for a lechon whenever she pass the exam!!! HUHUHU!!!

anyway, i'm now sleepy! time check? 2:01Am!

uh-oh

Just a few days ago, i was relieved since i was able to write about my sentiments on being childless... (read my past blog entitled another sleepless night). Blogging for me is an outlet of my deepest sentiments in life! i thought I would be able to rest from stress... but a few days ago, my cousin Doris gave birth to a baby boy through CS delivery. My uncle texted my mother announcing that He has a new grandson! Doris is one of my closest cousin since she's just 1 year older than me. She just got married a few months ago and now she's blessed with a baby boy.

I am happy for her! I really am! It's just not so so so easy for me to manage the situation. Another addition to the clan but not from me...again. I am excited to see my nephew... i am so eager to visit my cousin, since I may take advantage of the situation that she's on maternity leave... that simply means: WE HAVE ALL THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING! Just like the good old days when we were still young ... had the chance to sleepover and talked and giggled all night long....

But it's so different now... How can I show to her that I am sincerely happy, while my heart is bleeding deep inside! what a phrase!!! I wonder where all my words came from??? Maybe it's really from my heart! uh-oh! I'd like to drop by and show my concern, maybe bring stuffs for her baby or give her a gift to congratulate her for having a baby - but there are things that bothers me and making me think twice to have a "personal appearance"! I know i would be hearing negative things which I hate or don't want to hear at all!!! I may hear things such as: "O! naunahan ka na naman!" or "Ikaw, kelan na??? ang bagal!" or worst... "aysus! dai ka naman maaki!!!". Who would love to hear such words??? It's not a good thing to laugh at! Good thing I haven't slapped anyone pa naman! Hahaha! But who knows! I may some day!!! I can't control myself... I really can slap some one if it hurt me to the max! So I decided not to visit her instead... at least I am making myself free from any additional pain in my heart!!!

I hope someday... Doris would have a chance to read my blogs... this one especially!!!

pizza day!

Another Sunday!!! Another eating day for my family! hehehe! Pizza for this Sunday. I made 4 pizzas! But as you can see, sa picture, 3 na lang!!! the other 1 was already delivered sa in-laws ko hehehe... of course they always have a share since my oven is a gift from my mother in law!!! pero kahit naman walang gift na oven they always have a share!!! should always have!!!

As you can see sa pictures... mga member ng PG (patay0gutom) club! but its another happy sunday.

Until next Sunday!!!

Bon Appetit!

another sleepless night...

It is funny how the craziest things in life can make you jealous. I recently found out about a relative of a friend who is expecting with one of those 'surprise pregnancies'. She has a few older children and definitely wasn't planning this pregnancy. I cannot even begin to imagine how great a surprise pregnancy would be!!! ooopppsss!!! do I sound so serious??? Bear with me, I think I am really serious this time... to the extent that I can't sleep so I opened my computer and now starting to write endlessly!

Anyways, I am not jealous to the extent that I cannot be happy for that person or for anyone else in a similar situation. Maybe jealous is not the right word. It could be envy or desire. I do know that I wish that those who have never experienced infertility could better understand what some people have to go through. My life would have been easier in many aspects if I had not had to deal with infertility, but looking back I wouldn't change who I am or any of my experiences.

It would be great if some of the blessed women would realize what a blessing it is to be pregnant without even trying. If those that have been blessed and doesn't experience any difficulty conceiving could somehow understand that comments about how much they hate being pregnant and how much they don't think they can handle one more baby can hurt so many people. There are so many women that would give up everything for morning sickness and sore backs. They would gladly welcome labor pains and sleepless nights. They dream about feedings at 2:00 am and cannot wait to smell poopy diapers.

I know because I am one of those women. But I will never and do not ever want to forget. I am part of a special and wonderful group of women. There is something about infertility that bonds women with common trials in life. A sisterhood is formed that unties women from all walks of life. No matter how different we look or what languages we speak, we are all the same. We understand even when no words are spoken. We experience things together - it is like a never ending chain that links us all together. When something happens along one link of the chain, we are all, in some way, affected.

I often cry tears of sadness and joy. Some of which are for women that I know. Some of which are for women that I have never met in person. Some of which are for women that I don't know at all. I check different blogs and my e-mail a few times a day, and I know that i'm just one of the millions who are trying to be strong and keeping their faith alive!

I remember one time, while i was having a conversation with one of my closest friends, how she was shocked when I "casually" said about me being infertile. And she asked me why I consider myself infertile? I wasn't sure if i felt offended or unaffected. But for a moment, i was somehow hurt (a little), i just can't understand how my friend managed to ask me that silly question? She's been with me in my 5-year struggle and yet she was surprised about me considered as infertile!!! But i know that it was an honest mistake, i know that she doesn't mean anything about it... I know that she'll do nothing that might offend me with my trials.

I have to live with it for now. I cannot even begin to imagine what life without infertility would be like. No stress. No doctor’s appointments. No obsessing about every little twinge or cramp. No symptoms to second guess yourself about. No money spent. No disappointments. No fear. No pills. No transvaginal ultrasounds. No worrying about estrogen, progesterone, LH, and FSH levels. No counting of follicles. No wondering if any of your eggs will fertilize correctly. No wondering. No Hoping. No tears. No sleepless nights!

To wake up one day and feel a little different. To casually glance at a calendar with a puzzled look. To not remember what day your period was due. To figure out what day your period was due, and then realize that you are four days late. To think that you should probably buy a pregnancy test one day soon and see two purple lines. To wonder how you could have forgotten your period was late. I can only dream...

At the same time, I cannot imagine my life without infertility. I have such a love for kids. This does not, by any means, mean that they don't drive me crazy sometimes. They are kids after all. Sometimes I just stare at cute little kids when i go to the mall, hear mass or see my cousins. I have to be careful though, because if I stare too long I'm afraid I might start to cry. I cry tears of happiness for how much I know my affection when it comes to children. I cry tears for the journey that i am having right now. I cry tears for my long wait. There was a time when I had almost convinced myself that I might not have a chance anymore. I almost wanted to give up. But right now i am starting to regain my faith and eagerness. I am now again trying... trying... and trying... until the day that i can.

I just can't control my emotions whenever I see babies. Even now, I find myself staring at pregnant women and babies. I wonder about their stories. I still do get pangs of jealousy when I see twins. I am really fascinated with twins... i have a strong feeling that given a chance by God, I might have twins!!! I am crossing my fingers! Whew! A lot of positive thinking I need!

Infertility did and still does reach to the core of who I am as a woman and has tested me in ways that I never knew were possible. I try to survive in the best way that I can. I know that not all women are as fortunate. And that fact breaks my heart. There are so many questions that I will never have answers to. One of those is: Why was I one of the unlucky ones? To all those still battling infertility - I am thinking of you. I promise to never forget. I wish I could hug all of you just as how i would like myself to be hugged and comforted, because some things just cannot be expressed in words.

These are my opinions and my feelings. I am not trying to speak for all of those who have experienced infertility - and I do not try to completely understand what each individual has or is going through. I also don't mean to imply that those without infertility problems do not cherish their kids or appreciate their pregnancies. I know that most do. It is not my intention to upset or hurt anyone. I just wish that more people were compassionate about this issue, and that they thought before they spoke. I wish that more people realized how hard it can be for some people to get and then stay pregnant. I just wish that they may be sensitive enough to understand what women like me have been going through.

I hope I can now sleep comfortably!!! 'can't believe that I made this long, emotional and sincere thoughts!