a baby named angel...

today is one of my down-moments...

my husband is already sleeping soundly, so early... maybe because he knows that I am grieving deep inside… he respects my moment of silence. i tried to go to sleep but i really can't...my heart is full of emotion... i wanted to cry but no tears at all... kaya heto... i hope blogging can help ease my pain away...

i can't control my feelings... i am greatly affected by the text message that i received a few hours ago... that my ate bebot has finally gave birth (after days of hard labor and pain)... but the baby died...

ate bebot is a very close family friend, sobrang close kami kasi when i was in grade 1 and she was in high school, i used to tag with her since we're on the same school. she's a dear ate to me and my sisters. Sobrang close ang mga family namin that’s why sobrang affected kami sa nangyari sa kanya.

She’s already in her late 30’s when she got pregnant. Upon knowing na pregnant siya, we were all so happy.. I even prayed to God na ok lang kung mauna siya sa akin magbuntis…. And all praise to God because she really got pregnant on her first try of fertility treatment… seeing her in maternity dresses makes me happy. Until we were all shocked when she told us on her 8^th month of pregnancy na merong problema ang baby niya… hydrocephalus.

During that time, we were all shocked and sad... we told her to seek for a second opinion kasi baka nagkamali lang yong doctor, but it was confirmed that her baby has hydrocephalus… and worst of all, the doctor told her that the baby might not survive and even told her to call the baby ANGEL, and just enjoy the baby in her womb.

This morning she gave birth without having the chance to have a glimpse of her angel… the baby was already dead in her womb… Ate bebot was in critical stage for a couple of hours… and all praise to God that she is now recovering.

I can feel the pain in her heart… Just like Ate Bebot, I’ve been praying for a baby for a long time… and it really bothers me a lot just thinking how she is dealing with her trials. I just pray that baby angel will be an angel to her mother, to guide her and give her strength especially at this moment of grieving.


At last, now I can sleep…

to be a mom

i once read in my friend's friendster shout out that a woman's greatest achievement is to be a mother: i read it over and over and over again until my mind fully absorbed the phrase... actually that thought is never new to me... remember the winning answer of Ms. India, Sushmita Sen, during the Ms. Universe pageant??? the essence of a woman is to bear a child!!!

Actually that kind of thought always hit me! It's hard to admit that up to now i am not yet complete as a woman. I've been married for more than 5 yrs but is not yet blessed to have every woman's joy... a baby. i would be a hypocrite if i will say that i am not affected on being childless.... i've struggled enough with that reality... it's hard for me since i love kids so much... i know that i would be a good mother to my children, but unfortunately, my prayers are not yet enough... though i don't lose hope but i am in deep pain.

it's hard especially that I belong to big family. almost every year, there is an additional member to our family. my cousins who are younger than me, already have kids and sometimes there are family gatherings which i don't want to attend. All i got is just additional pain! I know that people sometimes gives suggestions, comments on my being childless, it's because they care, but maybe i am just being attacked by paranoia that i took it negatively. but i hope others can also understand my situation.


My faith is the one that makes me strong!!! amidst these trials, still i am not losing hope.... i know i still have the chance. but if to the extent that i would not really be a blessed to be mother... i don't think i am not essential as a woman, i may not achieve my greatest dream, but what is important is that i can accept my destiny, it is what the LORD has prepared for me... all we just have to do is learn to accept what is meant for us... it is painful but life must go on...

Oh!!!! i am becoming so emotional again!!! it's not yet over!!! right??? Sometimes mean people are the one who makes my situation miserable... I pray that God will give them enough wisdom to understand me and my feelings.

blog...blog...blog

blogging for me is one way of self expression, that's why i became interested. i am a very emotional person, but most of the time, i find it difficult to express my feelings especially if I am hurting. I always put my emotions into writing. Before, i used to have a diary. Then i also learned another way of self expression, i used to write my "feelings" in a colorful paper (depends on my mood) , pink if i'm in love, blue if i'm sad, yellow if i'm feeling gay, white if i feel i need to "talk" with the LORD, black if i am hurting... etc...

I also have other means of expressing myself into writing - blogging. For the past few years, I enjoy doing this, but it also means that anybody can view my blogs, it means i am permitting others to invade my privacy... hahaha... uhm... maybe not really, since i don't advertise my link or only a few will know my blog site... few important people whom I'd entrust my blog site. but as long as i am true to myself, i need not to worry if others may read my entries. it's just a matter of understanding who i am... Opinions and comments are welcome especially if I've tackled a sensitive matter and hurt someone because of what i've written, but making comments just to be sarcastic and mean --- well, better shut up! It's the real me!

my memories are gone!!!

i have two blog sites, this one is the newest... but what bothers me most is that my old blog site is gone!!! it was my memories for so many years!!! it was my diary of special moments in my life! i really don't know what happened... it feels like my past has simply swept away!!! what is happening to me??? i lost my new umbrella, i lost my cellphone, and now my blogs??? UGH!UGH!UGH!

my babies

I just love kids!!!! i simply adore kids! even at an early age, I'm so fond of babies! (ironically, i don't have my own until now!...again... don't ask me why?...maybe on a separate blog entry??? But even before i got married, i already have an unexplainable "longing" for children... and I'd love to talk about my "babies". as in grabe! over to the max!!!



This is jasmin. She's my pretty cousin. she practically grew up with me. i was always part of her special moments from the day that she was born ( I was at the hospital when she was born). In fact, I am her Godmother and i really consider her my baby daughter!!! she's now 4 yrs old and a baby no more... now a pretty, pretty girl! maarteng girlalu!


This is my Inaanak Cheska! She's the daughter of my good friend Grace! she's a bright little girl! with a superb sense of humor... hmmm... what can you expect! with a parents like grace and chris!!! nakakalokah!
My nephew, ETHAN!!! I love this little boy so much!!! full of energy and i can say that he'll grow up to be an intelligent boy! he's two years old, the son of my sister-in-law, Laarni. cute, cute, cute little boy!




This is PIA. My adopted baby! LOL! she's my neighbor's daughter. she calls me PHENNY, she's turning 4 but still can't call me PHANIE! hehehe... she's so madaldal! as in over... she talks like a 20 year-old mataray lady! hahaha... a spoiled-brat! but still, i love this baby girl... i just sometimes worry about her bratty-little-thing-act! But i will try my best to help her be a good girl!





These are my nephews - Lance and JL, sons of my cousin Lai. Lance is my husband's inaanak. I call this young boy Lance Yabang! Hahaha! Super Kulit pero di naman nakakainis! Hehehe... he always demands for pasalubong whenever I visit them. Hehehe. A very bright boy! JL is the shy type! But I know soon he'll be super kulit just like his brother Lance. I miss them both since I seldom visit them now...



Joyce, Angel, Hazel and Joanzel(not in the picture). These 4 girls are super sweet!!! we call them "vetsin". Hehehe! As if they have vetsin in their tongue! it simply means... they have good appetite! they can eat full, full, full meals! Maybe Tita Beth, their mother gave them an overdose of tiki-tiki! LOL! But we now miss these 4 girls! They are now in Cabanatuan... Maybe they will be teenagers na pagbalik nila!!! Sigh!


I STILL HAVE LOTS OF BABIES! I'LL TELL ABOUT THEM ON MY NEXT BLOGS... AND HOPEFULLY, I'D BE BLESSED TO TALK ABOUT "MY OWN" BABIES... SOON!

my friends!!!

As the saying goes... FRIENDS COME AND GO... but for me, friendship should always come, and should not let go... do I have to change that old saying??? I think I can!!! I can proudly say that I can be the BEST girl friend in town... duh! I know that I've loved my friends the way that I've loved my family. Friendship for me really matters! I cry and laugh with my friends... I treasure my friends so much. I've been to different groups of friends; I can say that I always make it a point to keep in touch with them... I've been to many stages in my life, and I am proud to say that I've established genuine kind of friendship. Even in my early childhood, I've established good camaraderie with my playmates. I had constant playmates like Hazel, my sister Janice and cousins Sharon, Doris, Lai... but childhood friendship is like a cat-and-dog relationship... playing ending up in quarreling but the next day, play again as if nothing happened... ohhhh kidsss..... that's how we used to be!

High school life is one of the colorful stages in one's life... I can say that mine was really a colorful one. Friendship became more serious... but still in a way... childish!!! I've been friends with almost everyone in my class... I still remember, during my 1st year in high school, I was voted as the friendliest in my class... cool huh! I am also happy that some of my high school friends are still my "constant dates" right now.

These are my high school buddies Aurea, Mayla, Annalee and Marycel. We often see each other, once a week or once every two weeks. Nothing important, just window shopping, eating out (especially when I'm with Mayla, dine-in is a must! hahaha). Aurea is one of my best friends! We've been so "tight" thru thick and thin... we treat each other not only as friends but as sisters. She's close to my family as I am with hers. I love Nanay and Tatay, her Ate Adel treats me as her "adopted" sister and I love her dearly. And so is Kuya Aries!!! I hope he gets me "pasalubong" when he comes back from Korea... hahaha just joking (well! jokes are half-meant) Aurea has 3 kids already... and 2 of them are my inaanak, Ish and Pau (but I adore his young boy AJ)... so much build up for Au (hehehe) ... in short WE ARE FAMILY!

As for the single ladies in my group... they are just so fantastic... always ready for HAPPY-HAPPY! Always on the GO! Wait 'til they find their partners in life... hmm...

Of course, not to forget my college friends!!! In fact, my husband Ernie is a college buddy... one of my good friends... At first we were a BIG group, but with conflicts, misunderstanding, etc..., the big group were divided into several groups. Among the girls, we were only three who held on tight! ows!!! Nanette, Jeanny and Me.


All of us three are now happily married... happily and happily! Nanette is now a doting mommy to her cute little one- Ariana and Jeanny is on the family way... as for me? it's another story! Maybe another blog entry??? But ironically, I'm the first one to get married... ooopsss! don't ask me why?

All three of us have different personalities... some say that three is a crowd... but not for us. we have different life stories, colorful life!!! we had our down moments, happy moments, silly moments and even precious moments... corny!!! hahaha!!! oh! But I love precious moments... Nanette and I are more open with each other, especially when it comes to our "REAL-LIFE DRAMA!!!". Maybe because, we are more mature when it comes to dealing with our marriage life and maybe because we have a lot in common.

But there is no such thing as "PERFECT", our friendship also has "dark moments"... you know, little misunderstandings that always spice up every relationship. ah-huh! what is important is that we are still one... thought we seldom see each other now for we are all busy and we now have more important priorities in life, we make it a point to find a way to keep in touch… just like how I keep in touch with Nanette, my "chikka-mate". At least we still have our means of communications. LOL!

I still have so many other friends, to name a few; my friends from my Smart family starting off with Kelly-kikay, Mama Gladys, and my Ochroid Aggroids team namely Maya, Red, Nathan Bakla, JP, Jozel, my babies Kimmy, Cari & Cathy Lou, Mommy Candy, Gerald, Ianne and Hickson. And also not to forget my good friends Thad and Hanzel, Edison and Sandra, Elvin and … still unknown! Hahaha!

You see, I have a lot of friends, and to have a lot means an achievement! I cannot name all, but those mentioned are the most treasured. I just pray that even when my hair turns gray, they are still with me thru thick and thin!!!

friendship

You may have hundreds of friends, and you may have 2 friends. It really depends on your perspective. Sometimes the friends you know the longest are the most vile people you know. Sometimes the random stranger that does one small thing for you brightens up your day in a way no one else ever has. Sometimes a friend that has not been a good friend will surprise you and be a good friend again. Sometimes you make friends through physical proximity. Sometimes through a mutual hobby. Sometimes by random chance. Sometimes by uncontrollable forces. It really doesn't matter how you classify them. Whether they are just acquaintances or your BEST friend. In the end, all that matters is that sometimes your friends will be there for you, and sometimes they are going to burn you. Either way you need to appreciate them, for when you don't have anyone to appreciate anything with, you cannot achieve happiness. So be thankful of those who smile with you, even if you don't feel that they have been a great friend recently. Be happy to be alive and for having other people to appreciate life with. And make as many friends as you can, for at least one of them will be there to pick you up when you need it most.