Mother's Day: the day i died...

Mother's Day... a special day to honor MOTHERS. For years, i excitedly celebrate this day to honor my mother and my mother-in-law and the rest of the special people in my life who are now mother's in their own ways.... I made the day special by buying special gift for my mothers and aunts, it may not be expensive but it comes from my heart. Another way of making the day special for them is by giving them yummy lunch and dinner! LOL! I hope i made their day special!



I also honored my friends who are dear to me on that special day... i woke up early and managed to reload my cellphone to text and great them a HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!! it's a big effort though! HAHAHA!!! But surely it is! Let me introduce to you my special friends (with their adorable babies) who just celebrated their special day... dyaraaaannnnnn.... hahaha ... do i sound crazy??? hahaha pasensiya na sa mga wala sa picture!!! limited space only! LOL!


ooooppppssss... maybe there's something wrong with this picture??? 'noticed the image on the center??? hmmm... let it be! LOL!

But this special day is also the day i died!!!! It is a known fact that I'm still childless for years, but I have taken it lightly and positively! But unexpectedly, Mother’s Day got me. At one time , I was at the point of tears. .. hea y downpour! LOL I received several text messages that day, greeting me a "happy mother's day"... goodness gracious!! but it's ok... i took it lightly... i was not (so) offended. But something really got into my nerves badly!!! I've experienced my lowest moment from not-so-good-people, telling mean things about my situation... one of the worst thing that ever happened in my "childless life" ,but i'll not write the details here in my blog... repeating the story adds pain... Letting it out once is a good remedy already... Thanks to my friend Nanette for hearing me out... "hearing???" LOL... literally, reading my 3 to 4-part text messages LOL!

This year's mother's day was one memorable day of my life!!! I DID NOT ATTEND MASS THAT DAY: I really intended (and so is my husband) not to be present at that inevitable moment. At many churches, there comes a point after the mass where the priest says, “I’d like all you mothers to stand” and everyone applauds as women of all ages rise and smile and will be handed with flowers. For this reason, I may not hear mass on Mother’s Day for now... Is this reason valid?? maybe for me! I do practice gratitude and recognize the many graces of my days. But I would have preferred motherhood, and so this single boycotted day of the year is my simple way of loving myself.. i know GOD understands...

I just have a wild thought or imagination on what I would say if I were a priest on Mother’s Day. I would ask the mothers to stand, because they deserve applause, by all means. But after they were seated, I would give special commendation to all those women who were not mothers. And maybe I would say something like this: Whatever your reason for being childless, please know this: you are a source of life to the world. You possess the ability to nurture others, may it be your family or friends, and if you free yourself to do so, you will be amazed at how motherly you actually are.

There is no substitute for physical motherhood. And for one who longs to have children ...nothing else will do. ONLY YOU! Don’t ever deny your grief... Don’t minimize the burden of emptiness...Don’t repress your desire to give birth. That desire is a unique and particular energy of womanhood, for those who have children and those who have not.

I don’t give up hope of becoming a mother myself, but rather remember where my true hope lies..........

Every time i hear mean things about me still not having a baby... i try not to mind them and not to take their mean words seriously... but i'm a just a human..i have my weakest point. I am not a super woman who can take all the pains, who can always smile even if my heart bleeds, who can always respect people who humiliates me. I just thank GOD for giving me strength... Anyway, I AM DEFINITELY OK!!! A night of tears and reflection now uplift my spirit.... it's so good to cry once in a while... isn't it?

a great loss...

it's been quite a while since my last blog. So many things happened before 2008 fades away... We were not on our usual super-festive-holidays. My father-in-law passed away a few days before christmas. I never imagined that i would experience celebrating holidays in a funeral home...For me, it was the most emotional christmas i've ever had in my entire life. Until this very moment, we are still recovering from a great loss especially my husband who loves his father dearly. But still, life must go on... Even Pa Nor (my father-in-law) will be sad to see as mourn all our lives, so the least we could do is to be happy for he has already entered the kingdom of heaven.

Now i can say that I am finally back in my blog world!!!

my xmas nightmares

It’s strange but true. As the excitement of Christmas Day grows and peaks, our hearts overflow with joyous anticipation of life’s deepest meanings (for us christians). Still, there are those who look at the celebrations about them and instead feel alone in the world they inhabit.

I was watching television one late night, when one commercial got my attention. For me, it's paying tribute to call center agents, wherein I was once a part of that "toxic" human life!!! The commercial gracefully glides around surprising a son, a call center worker, when the whole family transports their Noche Buena table to the call center’s grounds so he could celebrate with them. In the 30-seconder-ads, there’s this tug at the heart as I see the young man working hard at night while the world outside the brightly lit call center lies in darkness. From floors above, he recognizes his beloved family laying out a table laden with traditional goodies for Noche Buena. Right on his office grounds! He is overjoyed and comes down lugging his own office chair to join them....

I almost got to tears when the commercial ended! I didn't even finished the late night news that I was watching...I suddenly went on my memory lane... remembering those Christmas Holidays where i was all alone, forcing to shut my eyes and go to sleep, acting deaf not to hear christmas carols....

Working on Xmas Eve was always a nightmare for me. Imagining the happy celebration of my family while I was stucked on my table with headsets on my ears talking to subscribers who calls on an unholy hour!! Whew!!! I still remember one christmas Season, wherein I had a night shift on xmas eve and my off fell on the christmas day itself, dec 25. My housemate Tina, had the chance to be with her family so she went home, and I was all alone in the house, so I stayed all day at the house and maybe it was the longest sleep I had in my entire life!!!

I now realized that money/success really cannot buy happiness... I remember during Christmas season, we really can feel the christmas spririt thru bonuses! (let's face the fact! employees are all expecting for bonuses...more and more and more bonuses!) There was a time wherein we received a big announcement from the management... it was a payday and together with the basic pay was a 3-month-equivalent bonus!!! Whew! that's a lot!!! Our salary then was enrolled into mobile banking so we can check right away our bank accounts thru our mobile phones, and i was astonished when i saw the amount that I would be getting!!! But the smile and joy faded in a snap of my fingers... I have no one to celebrate with... My friends/officemates rushed to the ATM machine inside our building and bought cakes for pasalubong for their families... while me, I went home sadder than my usual lonely day!

But now, I am with my family! I may not have all the luxuries that i used to have... I may not have the "shop-til-u-drop" moment... I may not have my "oh-so-corporate-look"... But I am happy and contented with what I have.

But working in a call-center-world was such a challenging experience. I am proud to say that I have at least penetrated the corporate world with flying colors.

SISTER GABBY

Another Sunday came... It was our scheduled visit to our dear friend Maricel, now sister Gabby. We were all excited... finally!!!

As we entered the convent, we already saw Sister gabby... we can see the nervousness in her face. I was the first one who got out of the car and upon seeing me, Sister Gabby immediately enveloped me with her warm embrace. I felt her happiness as i felt her body shivering... Maybe sister Madel really stood to her promise not to tell Sister Gabby who her visitors will be... She was so happy to see Ernie. Ernie, my husband, was her elementary classmate by the way.

I opened the car and she was again surprised to see our other friends Mayla, Au, Ann and Cel. She was so happy and teary-eyed at that moment. It was almost 3Pm and just in time fot the 3 o'clock prayer. We entered the Adoration Chapel and there prayed as thanksgiving for our reunion.

As what Sister Madel promised, Sister Gabby gave us a tour to the beauitful place of Trinitas. it was a garden of beautiful flowers and green vegetables! It was so refreshing... just looking at the green bushes around the place and not to forget the calmness... but the silent monastery was visited by the chipmunks! hahaha!!! Suddenly, laughters can be heard all over the place. Sister Gabby was all alone in the convent, the rest of the nuns went downtown, maybe went shopping??? Hahaha!!

Then there we met Father Vladimir Echalas, a very kind priest who helps run the Society. He was so kind to let us in to his so beautiful and artistic home! I'm not kidding! It's so one of a kind. It's a beautiful native hut , but the inside is so artistic. And not to forget the cute tree house just adjacent to his quarters. He was so happy to know that we visited Sister Gabby and he even took some of the pictures since he was into photography. And we invited Fr. Vlad and the 3 boys who lives with him to our simple snacks that we brought for Sister Gabby. The kind priest immediately granted our invitation and we had a very happy afternoon snacks them, but of course with hilarious laughters and teasing...

It was time to bid goodbye and we promised Sister Gabby that we will be back in a couple of weeks just before her final vow... And surely we will, since we wanted some time with the other sisters who were not there at that moment... Maybe they left the convent in purpose... Maybe they wanted us to be with Sister gabby privately! On our way out of the convent, Sister madel and the other Sisters has just arrived! We cannot delay our stay at that moment , we were about to drop Sister gabby and Sister beth at the church for the mass. We just promised that we will be back ... Surely we will....

It was so compensating. It's so great to have reunited with our good friend Maricel/Sister gabby. All of us agreed that it's much better than to meet at the Mall... eat out...but the best of all, our friendship becomes stronger since it has an additional binding... a religious binding. And meeting father Vlad and the rest of the Sisters is another blessing from SOMEONE up above!

SISTER MADEL

i've been planning to write this blog about my friend a couple of weeks ago, but i was so busy these past few days and i have an early-to-bed-early-to-rise attitude! or i can say that i am so exhausted in the day that i tend to sleep early... anyways, about 2 weeks ago, i was in my usual "night-habit"...(if i hear my husband snoring loudly, i jump out of bed and turn on my PC and there it goes... my WWW life up to the wee hours of the morning or until my eyes are still widely open!)

one late night, i happen to get bored and just kept on browsing until I found a website wherein you can find your high school batchmates... and i enjoyed it since i can view familiar names of my classmates especially those whom i haven't seen after high school graduation. And a certain name got my attention: SOLT Sr. Gabriella Dioneda. I have a very good friend named Maricel Dioneda and I know that she entered the monastery after college. The last time i saw her was more than 5 yrs ago. And with her name, is her email address and a link of a website of SOLT (Society of Our lady of the most Holy Trinity). I opened the website and learned that the monastery is located just near our place and in fact, i've been there years ago but doesn't have the idea that she's in that monastery. I e-mailed her immediately, telling her how happy i was to have found her e-mail address.

And just 2 days after, i already got a reply!!! I was so thrilled while opening the mail, i know i have a great longing since she's a very kind-hearted friend way back in high school. I was just thinking about her when i wrote my blog about concordia... maybe it was an instict that soon i'll be reunited with her. I felt her happiness while reading her mail... she was so happy that I found her and maybe it's a coincidence... she's having her final vows on December and she invited me and my husband Ernie to attend. I immediatelly e-mailed back and promised to be there on her special day! So many things was on my mind... But i didn't gave her details since it would be a surprise for her!

One Sunday morning, I told my other friends(mayla, au, ann and cel) about how i had this instant communication with Maricel or Sister Gabriella. And then we made a plan to visit her on that same day! Why wait for December??? Why not now?? Instant! hehehe! that's our friendship power! hehehe

When we arrived at the monastery at about 3Pm, we were welcomed by Sister Madel, she's the one running the monastery... We're unfortunate since our friend Maricel just left a few minutes ago and will be back on the next day! Ooohhh!!! But still, it turned out to be a good afternoon!!! Sister Madel offered us tea and pinuso (native rice cake). The pinuso was one of the best rice cake i've ever tasted! We had a great time with Sister Madel and other sisters, like Sister Elizabeth and the Thai nun (i forgot her name). The two-hour stay was very fun! I never thought that it would be a great conversation. The sisters were very kind, very humorous and wacky! imagine??? wacky sisters??? hahahaha... but literally... they are!!! the monastery was so silent when we came, and in just a few munites, we we're all laughing so hard with Sister Madel's stories. Maybe it was God's plan that we weren't able to meet our friend Maricel/Sister Gab, for us to meet and get to know more Sister Madel and the others .

After 2 hours of great conversation, we finally bid goodbye and promised to return the next Sunday. It was so nice to have sister Madel as a new friend.... and I know that it will be an everlasting friendship since it is blessed by SOMEONE up above!

trauma

Last Saturday was a very exhausting day!!! it was a day that tested my strength as a responsible daughter, sister and person all in one... I woke up early since i was the one responsible for my mama's catering business since she's in Korea (but of course with the help of my Tita Merly). I gathered all the things that we needed and headed to the place where we prepare our catering (at our canteen). when my husband parked the car, i saw that my tita Merly was already inside the canteen. I was all smiles and teasing her while walking to the door since she was not late that morning (she's always late btw :)) But her face was serious, and then she asked me if went there last night... then I said no. Then i was shocked when she said "Bhe, I'm afraid we were robbed". When I looked inside, as if it was hit by a typhoon!!! It was all shattered!!! Some of the things were missing! When I went down at the working area of the kitchen, i felt my body froze when i realized that 2 LPG tanks were missing!!! A few cases of softdrinks, canned goods, utensils, my favorite waffle maker, etc. Oh no! Not at this time!!! And when i looked up at the ceiling, there's a big hole and i knew that the robbers went in through the ceiling!!! I felt like crying!!! I didn't know what to do at that moment!!! I immediately called my mama and papa in Korea and told them what happened, of course they cannot do anything about it, and as the one who's in charge of the family and businesses, i should be the one thinking solutions to problems!!! i just thank my husband for assisting me in times like this. Good thing that my two uncles (my mom's brothers) immediately came upon learning what happened. it was a great help... just having someone to depend to... of course even if we are old enough that we can stand on our own, in times like this, we still need our "olds" to give us assistance to all things which we think we're weak. But "the show must go on"! we immediately found ways to prepare for our catering. Good thing that the robbers did not took the stuffs and foods that we prepared ahead of time, if not? i may not know what to do!!! We reported it to the barangay captain, and we have learned that we were not the only ones that were robbed... series of robbery occurred that same night!!! The neighboring canteens and other business establishment were prepared since they were given a hint by some people in the neighboring areas. They already anticipated for they saw several suspicious men wandering in the area. We were just unfortunate that we weren't advised since we didn't operate the day before the break-in happened. It's only material things... things that we can buy anytime.

But the trauma is still in my mind. I can't sleep at night, especially when it's raining so hard!!! I'm afraid that the robbers may come back since they didn't get all the things that they wanted (they left a few items). I also fear that robbers may also break-in at our house, and my two siblings, Ara and Akeem, are the only ones left and our house is still a few blocks away. Every time I wake up in the morning, i immediately go to my parents house, to check if my siblings are okay. My parents will be back barely 2 weeks from now, but for me it's a long wait!!! i know my fears will subside only if they're back already. For now, i get my strength from my husband Ernie. I am having a hard time forgetting what happened and worrying what may happen. I am stressed and tensed, maybe because i am the one in-charge of everything (with the help of my husband) and also because it's not about myself that i only care for, but most of all, because i have to attend to my other two siblings. i just pray so hard to the Lord, that nothing will happen again and that all of us will be safe especially my beloved Ara and Akeem!

APPRECIATING MY PARENTS

It's been more than a few weeks since my last entry..So many things happened! I was so busy in the day that i couldn't stay up so late. I was physically exhausted since my parents left for Seoul, Korea to visit my sister. I was the one in-charged with their business and of course to take care for my younger siblings. Very tiring but i understand... It's my obligation since I'm the eldest in the family. So many things happened... challenging!!! But at least it made me more independent and responsible.

From the day they left (Oct. 18), i felt a little bit uncomfortable... i felt alone as if i was the one leaving! LOL! Well, that's me! So melodramatic! hahaha... As if i carry the whole world! Just imagine! waking up early to go to the market as early as 530 AM? (and i must buy all the stuffs i need in less than an hour since my husband who drives me to the market should be home by 630 since he has to prepare and should leave for office by 730! imagine we did that for a week now and we will still be doing it for another 2 weeks! and i'll just have a quick shower and again leave to go to my mama's business! It was just a week, but i felt so exhausted! Super-duper-over-to-the-max!!!!!!!!! plus, minding my father's business. he left me with several index cards, with instructions on it regarding his business. while attending to my mama's business, i attend to my father's bank transactions and other financial dues that i have to go from one place to another to complete a certain transaction! whew! that's a lot!!! When i get home in the afternoon, or should i say, barely evening, i'm all burned out! and i still have to prepare our dinner since my 2 younger brother and sister eats with us until my parents arrives! sometimes, i cannot remember how i went to bed. All i can remember was the time i closed my eyes! LOL! Good thing my husband sometimes gives me a massage and that's the last thing i remember mostly in my evenings!

Maybe the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is so true! hahaha! if there's a chance for us to chat (almost everyday though... especially with me! LOL), my sister ara, my brother akeem, my husband ernie and me all squeezed-in in our room while waiting for janice and my parents to go online! and we chat until we feel dizzy and sleepy!!! I can feel their longing for us... i can feel that they miss us especially ara and akeem. This is actually the very first time that they've been away for more than a couple of weeks. And as an elder sister, i also give extra special care and attention to my younger siblings.

so tiring! so exhausting! But now, I "APPRECIATE" my parents more! i realized how they have worked so hard to give us good life especially good education. imagine, we are 4 children and they have worked so hard to sent us to decent schools. I remember those days herein my mama would go to bed so late and wakes up so early especially if she have scheduled caterings. I can just imagine how tiring it was for her!!! Now I understand why she always complain that she cannot finish the "teleserye" she has been following because she fell asleep!!! So even if my day is a super -duper exhausting one, i never complained! i just put in my mind: MINE IS JUST FOR 3 WEEKS! WHILE MY PARENT'S HAS BEEN DOING THIS FOR 3 DECADES!!! I am so proud of my parents and i love them more!!!

a glimpse of my life with concordia

Concordia Children's Services... at last i remember the orphanage that was once a part of my life in Manila. The place where I found solitude with the abandoned kids who touched my heart. Concordia Children's Services rents a small house near the Stop 'n' Shop jeepney terminal in old Manila. There, volunteers look after up to 25 abandoned babies at a time. They're eventually put up for adoption, but several have already grown up at Concordia, waiting for the time to bring them and their adoptive parents together.


My being a part of Concordia started when I volunteered for an outreach program of the company where i was working at that time. At first, I decided to be part of it for a selfish reason: to runaway from work! at least I'll be able to escape from at least a hundred of calls... calls from irate subscribers!!!! But it turned out to be a rewarding deed!!! I never thought that it would be a hooking experience ... yes, I've been a frequent visitor in the orphanage. Sparing a few amount from my salary didn't hurt me much!!! LOL! Buying diapers, milk formulas, and a little groceries means a lot to the kids!!! And sobrang saya talaga!! it was so fulfilling... i think at that time i sacrificed a few things or should i say my little luxuries(LOL) such as: a few issues of my favorite mags, avoiding to buy stuffs for my Elmo collections, acting blind whenever i passed by new display of girbaud bags! urgh! a few sips of starbucks coffee! LOL! (i remember, a friend named Maya also did this sacrifice for the sake of concordia's children hehehe i know she'll be able to read this blog!) and of course, trading my malling time... volunteer service for the kids instead!


During our visits there, we cannot hug or carry the kids. It is their rules as they are afraid that when we hug them they will want more and the keepers there cannot manage to give them that. This is pretty sad right?!! as you can see, me and my friends maya and candy broke the rule!!! just look at these pictures! LOL!




These past few weeks, i can't understand why i always think of concordia! A few times i dreamt of Concordia in my sleep! I don't know why i feel a longing for the things that i have done in the past for Concordia's children... I actually told my husband Ernie, about how I'd love to do those things again... and if ever i'd have a chance to have a time to visit Concordia's, i'd love to! And he said that one time, he would go with me to visit the place again.

As we talk about the plan of visiting the orphanage, i assessed my self! I've asked myself so many times... why am I so determined to visit the orphanage??? Is it because I am childless up to now? I also asked my husband for his opinion... on how he feels about me going back to the orphanage... he simply said... i don't need other's opinions... i just have to live by my reasons! i am the only one who can justify my actions... oh maybe he's right! now, i am so sure!!! my being childless is the not the very reason why i wanted so much to visit the orphanage... adoption is far from my mind and it's not the reason as what others may think... i just love the kids... i'm just touched by the noble works of the live -nannies (some nannies are teenagers who've already grown up at Concordia's) providing round-the-clock care under the supervision of a kind, grey-haired lady known as Ms. Bet.

i really wish that i'd be able to visit the orphanage again anytime soon! I hope before the year ends!!!

bonding...

it was "one-feel-good sunday" for us! my husband and I woke up early. we heard mass at exactly 7:00 am and we went to the city to have breakfast. Since the weather was so fine, we decided to look for the crib which i have promised to my friend jeanny who just gave birth a week ago. unfortunately, we haven't found the kind of crib that we've been looking for. We decided to drop by at Villa Jesusa, a small resort in a nearby city, but we went there just for sight-seeing and not for swimming (we were not prepared... but we wanted though!). On our way home, we were thinking if we would go back to go swimming... but when we reached home, we felt lazy... opened the television... and to our dismay, it's not the regular program which is supposed to air that time, it's a boxing telecast (good grace! we don't have cable-tv connection yet since the super typhoon Reming!... Since we're not a boxing fanatic (unless it's a filipino fighter), my hubby and I did something else to surpass our boredom! hay! life!!! It's a good thing there were no power interruptions as what we've experienced a few weeks ago!!!

i went inside our room and started my WWW life!!! LOL! i browsed and browsed and browsed until i got tired of it and lost interest... i went out and ernie was strumming his guitar , the usual thing that he does every weekends. i sat beside him and i realized that he bought the song book that he was wanting to buy several weeks ago! hmmm!!! i told him not to buy the song book since it was so expensive and i thought that it's just a waste of money and not so so so practical! but i never expected that it would become one way of having us bond together! imagine... that day, ernie wants me to sing all the songs that i know from that song book while he plays the guitar!!!! at first, i was energetic to sing the songs... (though it was not a pleasant one to hear... good thing there's no violent reactions from our neighbors). hmmm.... maybe my singing voice is not so bad at all! urgh!!!! But as time passed by, my throat became soar and my energy was exhausted.... then i realized... singing career is not an easy one huh! hahahha ! A BIG JOKE!!!! 4 hrs of non-stop "vocalization"!!!! good thing PDA is over! hahaha! but it was such a nice day... one happy bonding moment for the two of us! before dawn, at last our "jamming" session's finished and i was shocked when my husband told me.... ok! tomorrow then...... HUHUHU! not again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

thanks marycel!

thanks marycel for being so thoughtful!!! another addition to my strawberry fever. LOL!!! and of course, it's now an additonal "ornament" in my room!!! hehehe! this is so cute! siempre ta strawberry....

thanks cel!!!

honesty

Not long ago, I got into a topic with a friend about honesty? or should I say about being frank? Is a little white lie to spare someone’s feelings a good thing? Is honesty really the best policy… It made me curious about my attitude... I can't consider it as being plastic or not being honest to someone.

I took an honesty quiz online…Here is my score and what it said about me…

Your score is 56. You try to tell the truth most of the time but like the rest of us are torn when the truth may hurt someone you love or when it seems to be more destructive than helpful. When faced with having to tell a little white lie, you know the ins and outs but you get lost when it comes to telling a truth that may cause harm or hurt. You’re only human and nobody likes to be the bearer of bad news but in the end you choose to bury the truth far too often.

We all like to think that we are good and honest people but even the best among us can be untruthful at times. We are only human and we all make mistakes, we all tell fibs and we all engage in a little dishonesty from time to time. But there are those among us who take things to far and make a habit out of being a sneak. So where do you fit on the honesty spectrum?


For me, as long as it doesn't affect my life, my relationship with a certain person - it's just fine to stay unaffected unless it's not tolerable already... it's just a matter of being open-minded and sensitive to one's feelings! It's more inappropriate and inconsiderate to just throw comments or opening your mouth without thinking twice or thrice... you'll never know... you are already hurting someone close to your heart. Just think about how you'll feel if it's the other way around...

pregnants and new mom!

it's been a while since my last blog... i've been busy with something else, but now i'm in the mood...again! let me tell you about the 3 women who just received a special gift from our Almighty. my cousin is now pregnant!!! she just got married last May, and now she's carrying an angel in her womb! she told me that it's an unexpected pregnancy... it's much better than an unwanted pregnancy!!! She was just a little tensed and pressured since it's out of their plan... they want to have a baby 2 yrs from now! i actually scolded her... it's not everyday that God showers blessing especially like theirs! i just told her the magic words... "JUST THINK OF ME". You'll never wish to exchange luck with me...

Another friend Sandra is also on the family way! i was really shocked when her husband Edison told us about the news! They just got married last July... and now a few months from now... they will be called... A FAMILY! I am happy for them...she deserves real happiness of a wife and a mom! that's why i really warned her husband Edison to be nice to her ALWAYS!!! She's such a nice friend!

And the best of them all is the new mom Jeanny!!! She gave birth a couple of days ago to a very healthy baby girl! imagine! more than 7 lbs!!! she's really cute! so adorable!! i just wonder how her hair would look like? curly just like her mommy jeanny?? owsss!!! anyways, not to worry!!! hair straightening treatment would always be considered! LOL!

Congratulations to these 3 lucky ladies! You are all blessed!!!

sentiments! again?

Insensitive? Stupid? Devil? Or Asshole!!! Hahaha!!! I can’t find the most appropriate words to match to people I hate! People like HELL! Do I sound so angry??? Inhale… Exhale… Inhale… Exhale… Damn!

I’m in my usual afternoon delight (LOL). Chatting with my YM friends and my sister Janice while browsing my friendster account and visiting blog sites, when suddenly, a YM buddy went online and sent me an IM. My cousin… I’ll call her M. She’s on my list of buddies for so long but hasn’t had a chat with her even once. First time… and she’s busted already!!! I think my blood went up to my head! She has just ruined my day!

When M buzzed me, I was excited at first since we haven’t seen each other for months already. M and I were classmates in High School and College. She already has 2 sons and a jobless husband! Do I sound mean? I am sorry, I know it’s not a good thing to say since I myself is also jobless! Hahaha!!! But in my case it’s by choice! And I am a housewife! Unlike for some people who knew that they have so much obligations, but instead of working for the family, keeps lying in bed all day long! Just like a househusband??? LOL!LOL!LOL!

GOD, Please forgive me! I just wanted to take away the anger in me! If not, I think my mind could blow up!!! If this is the way to ease my pain and anger, please let it be! AMEN!

Months of no communication, all I got was stress! HAHAHA! She asked why there is no baby yet for me. I answered her usual answer such as… In God’s time… No blessing yet… I’m patient… I don’t lose hope… I’m not tired of waiting…etc… but she’s so stupid to prolong the discussion and told me that she’s working hard to save more money since Christmas is fast approaching. So I told her, “why are you doubling your effort to work so hard? You only have 2 kids”. Good thing I am not so mean like her, I should have said…”why don’t you tell your husband to look for a job so that she can help you earn for the family?” But I’m not like that….I’d rather keep my silence! Or I’d rather speak it up in my blogs! Just like what I’m doing right now! She told me that she needs to work hard for the gifts she needs to buy for the ascending numbers of her godchildren. It’s not a bad idea or bad words to say, but until she said some things which I hate to hear the most, such as...I am already waiting for your child… I will volunteer to be a godmother… What’s taking you so long?... You should double your effort… and the worst thing of all??? Are you the one with the problem? Or your husband??? STUPID!!! IDIOT!!! Everybody’s welcome to tag a name to this unworthy creature!!!

I know I’ve been used to this scenarios… For the longest time, I’ve been numb, deaf and mute! I thought I’ve taken things like this lightly… I thought I could just smile and laugh with it… but all things have limitations. Just imagine me against a dozen or more of stupid people! I am widely open when it comes to issues of my being childless but to a certain point that not all people I know can have equal share of my stories in life. In my blogs, I don’t hide anything about my emotions, anger, pain, worries and sentiments. Some may feel offended and others may feel sensitive especially to some entries wherein I am vocal about how I wanted things to be when it comes to being tactful and considerate with my feelings. But if you are really a friend, you need not to worry about the negative things that you’ve read in my blogs, IT”S DEFINITELY NOT MEANT FOR YOU!!! You need not to feel guilty or offended if you know that you are with me in my trials and journey. You know what you are and who you are in my life!!!! Unless, you are not sincere and honest with me… I need not pity nor empathy… I just want a TRUE FRIEND. Someone who reaches my hands, but touches my heart.

strawberry mania!

Why strawberry? It all started with my "addiction" to strawberry flavored foods, drinks and shakes... anything that has strawberry! I love the taste of strawberry... strawberry ice creams, lollipops, candies and even chocolates with strawberry bits (especially the hershey's chocolate with strawberry). Most of my friends laugh about my addiction with strawberry flavored foods and drinks, for them it's an awful taste, it's like medicine!! hahaha!!! I don't care! i love strawberry to the max... I remember, my mother-in-law bought fresh strawberries, it was a little bit expensive since we don't have strawberries in our local market. She made strawberry shake and no one was interested with it except me. LOL! From that time on, whenever she buys ice cream, she doesn't forget to buy strawberry flavored ice-cream. hehehe! I always have strawberry syrup in my fridge, i love to make fruit flavored gelatins with cream and glaze it with strawberry syrup (but chocolate syrup for my hubby).

Then goes my addiction with strawberries! I am so fond of kiddie stuffs... I find STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE so cute! My cousin Jasmin gave me a big strawberry shortcake sticker.


Before, i was so fond of ELMO of Sesame Street... I used to collect Elmo stuffs... but I got tired of it for some reasons and I gave away some of those to my cousins who also loves Elmo except for the those which were given to me as gifts (the stuffed toy and mug that my husband gave me, the elmo pillow given to me by Laarni-my sister in law and the tote bag given by my sister Janice. Of course I treasure gifts given to me by special people in my heart. OOWWWSSSS!


My strawberry collection started a year ago, and while I was cleaning my stuffs, i realized that I have more than a dozen already and i got so excited I took pictures of my collection. Some of those I bought and some were given by my friends. The very first in my collection was the strawberry shirt I bought in greenhills. I actually bought it not because of the strawberry but because it's pink. LOL! PINK! PINK! PINK! Another collection!!! I'll tell it in my next blog! Just a teaser on how I'm so crazy with pink? We have a dog. A doberman. Her name is PINK! LOL!

Back with my strawberry! In the picture, I was with my friend Mayla, who actually bought a shirt with a strawberry to match up with my shirt! how sweet! and she also gave me the plastic cup, earrings and coasters with strawberry prints.

i'm sure !!! more strawberry stuffs to come in the future!!!

blah!blah!blah!

it's been quite a while since my last blog... I've been busy these past few days. So many things happened but no time to sit-and-blog!!!! Anyway, what I've been busy about???

Last Saturday, we had a party for my sister Ara... it was a rush party!!! they just wanted to enjoy and savor the moment, so they don't want to wait for the oath-taking ceremony which will be on Sept. 3! good thing that an instant party is never a problem for us since my mother is good at it! plus with the help of my tita merly... but still it was a bit stressful! Imagine, we only had 24-hr-preparation time. But it was just a small party for friends and relatives... It was fun... I ordered 2 dozens white and green balloons (I especially ordered 1 white balloon for MAKI-Ara's bestfriend, but unfortunately it blew up before he arrived! hahaha! a "kind-hearted" Jovy (hehehe) added the decorations with her "balloon-decorating-hobby"... beautiful balloons! We almost forgot about the balloons... the party already started and the balloons were waiting at the room! hehehe She actually promised that she'll make lots and lots of beautiful balloons for my baby's parties... and again for free!!! UGH!!! HAHAHA!!! Silly girl!!! Who knows???? maybe in the YEARS to come!!! As in years!!! At least, there is still hope... oh!!! well... No Sunday Recipe since we woke up late, tired and feeling "bobby"!!! BABLOY!!! But it was a revelation day for my sister Ara!!! She can actually sing! hahaha! i didn't know what happened to her!!! Videoke Queen!!! Imagine, singing out loud from 8am to 5pm!!! kawawa naman kapitbahay ko!!!

Again, yesterday, No cooking 101! i forgot to buy ingredients for my Sunday Recipe!!! I went out to meet with my friends Mayla and Marycel... Nothing so important, just to see each other and tsika tsika endlessly and not to forget window shopping!!! just window shopping!!!hehehe When I got home, I was surprised to see my sister-in-law and her son Ethan watching TV with my husband Ernie. We had a good time watching TV while playing with Ethan and eating hotdogs and bacon sandwich and C2 and Fit 'n right!!!(that's all I got in my Ref! hehehe) Good thing, I bought Jollibee french fries! That's Ethan's favorite!

Actually, I don't know why I am writing my blog today without passion!!! at the corner of my screen i see "1:28 AM" but i can't sleep! I don't know what's bothering me!! I just ate 2-pc crackers and hot milk but still even if i shut my eyes, it's hard to sleep... ernie's already snoring to the maximum level! hahahha! kakainggit!! maybe because i've just watched a true to life movie about the 2004 tsunami in thailand!!!!! I don't know why i am so engrossed in watching movies about natural calamaties/disasters!!!hahaha!!! Kalokah!!!

i know something is bothering me!!! I think I've found the reason why i can't sleep... i can now picture it on my mind... i gotta slip on my bed and blanket since now i have something to think of for me to be sleepy...

hayyyy!!! i'm going crazy!!! that's me!! i should have something to think about for me to get a real sleep!!!

O! naloka ka??? Nonsense di ba??? Hahaha !!! Sorry!!!

PROUD SIS!

A few hours ago, around 10:30Pm, I was ready to sleep when I received a text message!!! I panicked! Sobrang nerbiyos to the max! Sanay naman ako to receive text messages kahit unholy hour!!! But the text message alert made me nervous... When i read it, it was from my sister Ara... I became more nervous!!! I checked my watch and was more puzzled... tulog na siya dapat by that time (she has the early-to-bed-but-NOT-early-to rise attitude! hahaha!) She asked me if i was browsing the net. And there goes my adrenaline rush!!! I know what she was trying to say! The time that we've all been waiting for!!! The nursing board exam results!!! I immediately opened my computer and checked... my heart was beating fast - my hands were shaking while trying to search for the results. I cannot even type the correct word to search!!! Hahaha! Maybe I was more tensed than my sister.

At first I told her that it's a false alarm. I haven't got any result... and then she told me to check with inquirer's website, i was so tensed that I almost felt like fainting!!!!!! I almost laughed hilariously because i was just about to text her to come so that she can view the results herself, but she was already at the doorstep! Hehehe

And then we got what we've been looking for! NO. 3899. BERNALDEZ, SUNSHINE BASALLOTE!!!! we cried out loud!!! Shout for Joy!!! We forgot that somebody was asleep!!! Bossing Ernie! Harharhar! anyway, he didn't get mad... in fact, he joined our "shout for joy" performance!!! We immediately called Janice (to complete the "tres-marias-fever"). And we were all talking like it was noontime!!! Laughing became more hilarious because we were already at cloud nine for about 30 minutes and we forgot to break the news to more important people... mama and papa... and also akeem!!!! They were already asleep that time! I immediately called Mama, and it took several rings before she answered the phone... and I told her while giggling... "Ma, Ara passed the exam!!!". The funny thing is that... maybe she was just half-awake! hahaha!!! She thought I was Ara's friend! and then she said, "sandali lang, tulog na yata." LOL!!! And then I heard her went to Ara's room and maybe she was shocked when she realized that Ara's not in her room!!! MAMA TALAGA!!! BLOOPERS!!! And I heard her talking loudly... "Si Ara? Hain si Ara?" and then next was banging of screen door... "Tony, wara si Ara sa kwarto!"

Hay Buhay!!! Mama talaga!!! She totally forgot that she was talking with somebody on the phone!!! LOL! I immediatelly dialed Mama's CP number...and when she answered I told her... "RELAX!!!!" hahaha... well, that's my momma!!! Queen of Bloopers!!! And then i told her that her most precious daughter (HEHEHE) is now a Registered Nurse!!! Imagine, we were all wide-awake at 11PM.... all of us 6 (mama, papa, ara, akeem, me and ernie) were in 1 very small room! hahaha! kawawa naman bed namin! hehehe! It was one great night for us! Complete attendance - Janice and Deep thru voice chat and webcam... at least we're complete!!!

To Ara (Our Registered Nurse and Midwife): WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

To Ish and Maki - Congrats man!!!

Come to think of it! Just this afternoon, I was teasing Ara pledging for a lechon whenever she pass the exam!!! HUHUHU!!!

anyway, i'm now sleepy! time check? 2:01Am!

uh-oh

Just a few days ago, i was relieved since i was able to write about my sentiments on being childless... (read my past blog entitled another sleepless night). Blogging for me is an outlet of my deepest sentiments in life! i thought I would be able to rest from stress... but a few days ago, my cousin Doris gave birth to a baby boy through CS delivery. My uncle texted my mother announcing that He has a new grandson! Doris is one of my closest cousin since she's just 1 year older than me. She just got married a few months ago and now she's blessed with a baby boy.

I am happy for her! I really am! It's just not so so so easy for me to manage the situation. Another addition to the clan but not from me...again. I am excited to see my nephew... i am so eager to visit my cousin, since I may take advantage of the situation that she's on maternity leave... that simply means: WE HAVE ALL THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING! Just like the good old days when we were still young ... had the chance to sleepover and talked and giggled all night long....

But it's so different now... How can I show to her that I am sincerely happy, while my heart is bleeding deep inside! what a phrase!!! I wonder where all my words came from??? Maybe it's really from my heart! uh-oh! I'd like to drop by and show my concern, maybe bring stuffs for her baby or give her a gift to congratulate her for having a baby - but there are things that bothers me and making me think twice to have a "personal appearance"! I know i would be hearing negative things which I hate or don't want to hear at all!!! I may hear things such as: "O! naunahan ka na naman!" or "Ikaw, kelan na??? ang bagal!" or worst... "aysus! dai ka naman maaki!!!". Who would love to hear such words??? It's not a good thing to laugh at! Good thing I haven't slapped anyone pa naman! Hahaha! But who knows! I may some day!!! I can't control myself... I really can slap some one if it hurt me to the max! So I decided not to visit her instead... at least I am making myself free from any additional pain in my heart!!!

I hope someday... Doris would have a chance to read my blogs... this one especially!!!

pizza day!

Another Sunday!!! Another eating day for my family! hehehe! Pizza for this Sunday. I made 4 pizzas! But as you can see, sa picture, 3 na lang!!! the other 1 was already delivered sa in-laws ko hehehe... of course they always have a share since my oven is a gift from my mother in law!!! pero kahit naman walang gift na oven they always have a share!!! should always have!!!

As you can see sa pictures... mga member ng PG (patay0gutom) club! but its another happy sunday.

Until next Sunday!!!

Bon Appetit!

another sleepless night...

It is funny how the craziest things in life can make you jealous. I recently found out about a relative of a friend who is expecting with one of those 'surprise pregnancies'. She has a few older children and definitely wasn't planning this pregnancy. I cannot even begin to imagine how great a surprise pregnancy would be!!! ooopppsss!!! do I sound so serious??? Bear with me, I think I am really serious this time... to the extent that I can't sleep so I opened my computer and now starting to write endlessly!

Anyways, I am not jealous to the extent that I cannot be happy for that person or for anyone else in a similar situation. Maybe jealous is not the right word. It could be envy or desire. I do know that I wish that those who have never experienced infertility could better understand what some people have to go through. My life would have been easier in many aspects if I had not had to deal with infertility, but looking back I wouldn't change who I am or any of my experiences.

It would be great if some of the blessed women would realize what a blessing it is to be pregnant without even trying. If those that have been blessed and doesn't experience any difficulty conceiving could somehow understand that comments about how much they hate being pregnant and how much they don't think they can handle one more baby can hurt so many people. There are so many women that would give up everything for morning sickness and sore backs. They would gladly welcome labor pains and sleepless nights. They dream about feedings at 2:00 am and cannot wait to smell poopy diapers.

I know because I am one of those women. But I will never and do not ever want to forget. I am part of a special and wonderful group of women. There is something about infertility that bonds women with common trials in life. A sisterhood is formed that unties women from all walks of life. No matter how different we look or what languages we speak, we are all the same. We understand even when no words are spoken. We experience things together - it is like a never ending chain that links us all together. When something happens along one link of the chain, we are all, in some way, affected.

I often cry tears of sadness and joy. Some of which are for women that I know. Some of which are for women that I have never met in person. Some of which are for women that I don't know at all. I check different blogs and my e-mail a few times a day, and I know that i'm just one of the millions who are trying to be strong and keeping their faith alive!

I remember one time, while i was having a conversation with one of my closest friends, how she was shocked when I "casually" said about me being infertile. And she asked me why I consider myself infertile? I wasn't sure if i felt offended or unaffected. But for a moment, i was somehow hurt (a little), i just can't understand how my friend managed to ask me that silly question? She's been with me in my 5-year struggle and yet she was surprised about me considered as infertile!!! But i know that it was an honest mistake, i know that she doesn't mean anything about it... I know that she'll do nothing that might offend me with my trials.

I have to live with it for now. I cannot even begin to imagine what life without infertility would be like. No stress. No doctor’s appointments. No obsessing about every little twinge or cramp. No symptoms to second guess yourself about. No money spent. No disappointments. No fear. No pills. No transvaginal ultrasounds. No worrying about estrogen, progesterone, LH, and FSH levels. No counting of follicles. No wondering if any of your eggs will fertilize correctly. No wondering. No Hoping. No tears. No sleepless nights!

To wake up one day and feel a little different. To casually glance at a calendar with a puzzled look. To not remember what day your period was due. To figure out what day your period was due, and then realize that you are four days late. To think that you should probably buy a pregnancy test one day soon and see two purple lines. To wonder how you could have forgotten your period was late. I can only dream...

At the same time, I cannot imagine my life without infertility. I have such a love for kids. This does not, by any means, mean that they don't drive me crazy sometimes. They are kids after all. Sometimes I just stare at cute little kids when i go to the mall, hear mass or see my cousins. I have to be careful though, because if I stare too long I'm afraid I might start to cry. I cry tears of happiness for how much I know my affection when it comes to children. I cry tears for the journey that i am having right now. I cry tears for my long wait. There was a time when I had almost convinced myself that I might not have a chance anymore. I almost wanted to give up. But right now i am starting to regain my faith and eagerness. I am now again trying... trying... and trying... until the day that i can.

I just can't control my emotions whenever I see babies. Even now, I find myself staring at pregnant women and babies. I wonder about their stories. I still do get pangs of jealousy when I see twins. I am really fascinated with twins... i have a strong feeling that given a chance by God, I might have twins!!! I am crossing my fingers! Whew! A lot of positive thinking I need!

Infertility did and still does reach to the core of who I am as a woman and has tested me in ways that I never knew were possible. I try to survive in the best way that I can. I know that not all women are as fortunate. And that fact breaks my heart. There are so many questions that I will never have answers to. One of those is: Why was I one of the unlucky ones? To all those still battling infertility - I am thinking of you. I promise to never forget. I wish I could hug all of you just as how i would like myself to be hugged and comforted, because some things just cannot be expressed in words.

These are my opinions and my feelings. I am not trying to speak for all of those who have experienced infertility - and I do not try to completely understand what each individual has or is going through. I also don't mean to imply that those without infertility problems do not cherish their kids or appreciate their pregnancies. I know that most do. It is not my intention to upset or hurt anyone. I just wish that more people were compassionate about this issue, and that they thought before they spoke. I wish that more people realized how hard it can be for some people to get and then stay pregnant. I just wish that they may be sensitive enough to understand what women like me have been going through.

I hope I can now sleep comfortably!!! 'can't believe that I made this long, emotional and sincere thoughts!

"sunday menu"

It's a great Sunday! A tiring one, but super-duper-enjoy to the max, to the highest level...ooopppssss OA na! hahaha! a couple of weekends ago, I started to regain my passion for cooking. I really really love to cook. At a young age, I’ve already appreciated the art of cooking. Hmmm... 'Wonder why I took up engineering course when I was in college??? hahaha! So much for that, I’ve already realized that matter a long time ago!

This Sunday, I baked some goodies to excite my husband’s appetite as well as my sister’s!! Owwwsss! Hyperbole!!! I’ve been trying to perfect my “pastry-making-ability”! really?!! Duh! Hahaha! Oh, but I’m confident to say that I make good pastries… wanna try some? J Today I made meat tart and cream puffs! Grabe! Sipag noh!!!! 2 recipes in one day! Improving! Oh by the way, last Sunday I made oatmeal cookies. Ara, my sister ate the most of it! Every day, tumatambay siya sa bahay namin just to have a mouthful of oatmeal cookies! Di halata na she kinda’ like it! Oooopppsss!!!! Grabe na! My message for Ara: YOU ARE STARTING TO GAIN WEIGHT BECAUSE OF MY COOKING!!! Oh anyways, she swears that she’ll eat liitle na lang sa susunod! Owwwsss!

But it’s really a big satisfaction!!! Even if it’s so tiring, imagine I’m in the kitchen for 3 to 4 hrs and then they’ll just eat it up in just a blink of an eye!!! Another hyperbole! Hahaha! But it’s really compensating! It makes me happy to see them waiting to have a bite of my “Sunday Menu.” Even my in-laws are now looking forward to Sundays! What a great feeling! Appreciating my craft! CRAFT DAW!

Until next Sunday!!!