PROUD SIS!

A few hours ago, around 10:30Pm, I was ready to sleep when I received a text message!!! I panicked! Sobrang nerbiyos to the max! Sanay naman ako to receive text messages kahit unholy hour!!! But the text message alert made me nervous... When i read it, it was from my sister Ara... I became more nervous!!! I checked my watch and was more puzzled... tulog na siya dapat by that time (she has the early-to-bed-but-NOT-early-to rise attitude! hahaha!) She asked me if i was browsing the net. And there goes my adrenaline rush!!! I know what she was trying to say! The time that we've all been waiting for!!! The nursing board exam results!!! I immediately opened my computer and checked... my heart was beating fast - my hands were shaking while trying to search for the results. I cannot even type the correct word to search!!! Hahaha! Maybe I was more tensed than my sister.

At first I told her that it's a false alarm. I haven't got any result... and then she told me to check with inquirer's website, i was so tensed that I almost felt like fainting!!!!!! I almost laughed hilariously because i was just about to text her to come so that she can view the results herself, but she was already at the doorstep! Hehehe

And then we got what we've been looking for! NO. 3899. BERNALDEZ, SUNSHINE BASALLOTE!!!! we cried out loud!!! Shout for Joy!!! We forgot that somebody was asleep!!! Bossing Ernie! Harharhar! anyway, he didn't get mad... in fact, he joined our "shout for joy" performance!!! We immediately called Janice (to complete the "tres-marias-fever"). And we were all talking like it was noontime!!! Laughing became more hilarious because we were already at cloud nine for about 30 minutes and we forgot to break the news to more important people... mama and papa... and also akeem!!!! They were already asleep that time! I immediately called Mama, and it took several rings before she answered the phone... and I told her while giggling... "Ma, Ara passed the exam!!!". The funny thing is that... maybe she was just half-awake! hahaha!!! She thought I was Ara's friend! and then she said, "sandali lang, tulog na yata." LOL!!! And then I heard her went to Ara's room and maybe she was shocked when she realized that Ara's not in her room!!! MAMA TALAGA!!! BLOOPERS!!! And I heard her talking loudly... "Si Ara? Hain si Ara?" and then next was banging of screen door... "Tony, wara si Ara sa kwarto!"

Hay Buhay!!! Mama talaga!!! She totally forgot that she was talking with somebody on the phone!!! LOL! I immediatelly dialed Mama's CP number...and when she answered I told her... "RELAX!!!!" hahaha... well, that's my momma!!! Queen of Bloopers!!! And then i told her that her most precious daughter (HEHEHE) is now a Registered Nurse!!! Imagine, we were all wide-awake at 11PM.... all of us 6 (mama, papa, ara, akeem, me and ernie) were in 1 very small room! hahaha! kawawa naman bed namin! hehehe! It was one great night for us! Complete attendance - Janice and Deep thru voice chat and webcam... at least we're complete!!!

To Ara (Our Registered Nurse and Midwife): WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU!!!

To Ish and Maki - Congrats man!!!

Come to think of it! Just this afternoon, I was teasing Ara pledging for a lechon whenever she pass the exam!!! HUHUHU!!!

anyway, i'm now sleepy! time check? 2:01Am!

uh-oh

Just a few days ago, i was relieved since i was able to write about my sentiments on being childless... (read my past blog entitled another sleepless night). Blogging for me is an outlet of my deepest sentiments in life! i thought I would be able to rest from stress... but a few days ago, my cousin Doris gave birth to a baby boy through CS delivery. My uncle texted my mother announcing that He has a new grandson! Doris is one of my closest cousin since she's just 1 year older than me. She just got married a few months ago and now she's blessed with a baby boy.

I am happy for her! I really am! It's just not so so so easy for me to manage the situation. Another addition to the clan but not from me...again. I am excited to see my nephew... i am so eager to visit my cousin, since I may take advantage of the situation that she's on maternity leave... that simply means: WE HAVE ALL THE TIME TO TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING! Just like the good old days when we were still young ... had the chance to sleepover and talked and giggled all night long....

But it's so different now... How can I show to her that I am sincerely happy, while my heart is bleeding deep inside! what a phrase!!! I wonder where all my words came from??? Maybe it's really from my heart! uh-oh! I'd like to drop by and show my concern, maybe bring stuffs for her baby or give her a gift to congratulate her for having a baby - but there are things that bothers me and making me think twice to have a "personal appearance"! I know i would be hearing negative things which I hate or don't want to hear at all!!! I may hear things such as: "O! naunahan ka na naman!" or "Ikaw, kelan na??? ang bagal!" or worst... "aysus! dai ka naman maaki!!!". Who would love to hear such words??? It's not a good thing to laugh at! Good thing I haven't slapped anyone pa naman! Hahaha! But who knows! I may some day!!! I can't control myself... I really can slap some one if it hurt me to the max! So I decided not to visit her instead... at least I am making myself free from any additional pain in my heart!!!

I hope someday... Doris would have a chance to read my blogs... this one especially!!!

pizza day!

Another Sunday!!! Another eating day for my family! hehehe! Pizza for this Sunday. I made 4 pizzas! But as you can see, sa picture, 3 na lang!!! the other 1 was already delivered sa in-laws ko hehehe... of course they always have a share since my oven is a gift from my mother in law!!! pero kahit naman walang gift na oven they always have a share!!! should always have!!!

As you can see sa pictures... mga member ng PG (patay0gutom) club! but its another happy sunday.

Until next Sunday!!!

Bon Appetit!

another sleepless night...

It is funny how the craziest things in life can make you jealous. I recently found out about a relative of a friend who is expecting with one of those 'surprise pregnancies'. She has a few older children and definitely wasn't planning this pregnancy. I cannot even begin to imagine how great a surprise pregnancy would be!!! ooopppsss!!! do I sound so serious??? Bear with me, I think I am really serious this time... to the extent that I can't sleep so I opened my computer and now starting to write endlessly!

Anyways, I am not jealous to the extent that I cannot be happy for that person or for anyone else in a similar situation. Maybe jealous is not the right word. It could be envy or desire. I do know that I wish that those who have never experienced infertility could better understand what some people have to go through. My life would have been easier in many aspects if I had not had to deal with infertility, but looking back I wouldn't change who I am or any of my experiences.

It would be great if some of the blessed women would realize what a blessing it is to be pregnant without even trying. If those that have been blessed and doesn't experience any difficulty conceiving could somehow understand that comments about how much they hate being pregnant and how much they don't think they can handle one more baby can hurt so many people. There are so many women that would give up everything for morning sickness and sore backs. They would gladly welcome labor pains and sleepless nights. They dream about feedings at 2:00 am and cannot wait to smell poopy diapers.

I know because I am one of those women. But I will never and do not ever want to forget. I am part of a special and wonderful group of women. There is something about infertility that bonds women with common trials in life. A sisterhood is formed that unties women from all walks of life. No matter how different we look or what languages we speak, we are all the same. We understand even when no words are spoken. We experience things together - it is like a never ending chain that links us all together. When something happens along one link of the chain, we are all, in some way, affected.

I often cry tears of sadness and joy. Some of which are for women that I know. Some of which are for women that I have never met in person. Some of which are for women that I don't know at all. I check different blogs and my e-mail a few times a day, and I know that i'm just one of the millions who are trying to be strong and keeping their faith alive!

I remember one time, while i was having a conversation with one of my closest friends, how she was shocked when I "casually" said about me being infertile. And she asked me why I consider myself infertile? I wasn't sure if i felt offended or unaffected. But for a moment, i was somehow hurt (a little), i just can't understand how my friend managed to ask me that silly question? She's been with me in my 5-year struggle and yet she was surprised about me considered as infertile!!! But i know that it was an honest mistake, i know that she doesn't mean anything about it... I know that she'll do nothing that might offend me with my trials.

I have to live with it for now. I cannot even begin to imagine what life without infertility would be like. No stress. No doctor’s appointments. No obsessing about every little twinge or cramp. No symptoms to second guess yourself about. No money spent. No disappointments. No fear. No pills. No transvaginal ultrasounds. No worrying about estrogen, progesterone, LH, and FSH levels. No counting of follicles. No wondering if any of your eggs will fertilize correctly. No wondering. No Hoping. No tears. No sleepless nights!

To wake up one day and feel a little different. To casually glance at a calendar with a puzzled look. To not remember what day your period was due. To figure out what day your period was due, and then realize that you are four days late. To think that you should probably buy a pregnancy test one day soon and see two purple lines. To wonder how you could have forgotten your period was late. I can only dream...

At the same time, I cannot imagine my life without infertility. I have such a love for kids. This does not, by any means, mean that they don't drive me crazy sometimes. They are kids after all. Sometimes I just stare at cute little kids when i go to the mall, hear mass or see my cousins. I have to be careful though, because if I stare too long I'm afraid I might start to cry. I cry tears of happiness for how much I know my affection when it comes to children. I cry tears for the journey that i am having right now. I cry tears for my long wait. There was a time when I had almost convinced myself that I might not have a chance anymore. I almost wanted to give up. But right now i am starting to regain my faith and eagerness. I am now again trying... trying... and trying... until the day that i can.

I just can't control my emotions whenever I see babies. Even now, I find myself staring at pregnant women and babies. I wonder about their stories. I still do get pangs of jealousy when I see twins. I am really fascinated with twins... i have a strong feeling that given a chance by God, I might have twins!!! I am crossing my fingers! Whew! A lot of positive thinking I need!

Infertility did and still does reach to the core of who I am as a woman and has tested me in ways that I never knew were possible. I try to survive in the best way that I can. I know that not all women are as fortunate. And that fact breaks my heart. There are so many questions that I will never have answers to. One of those is: Why was I one of the unlucky ones? To all those still battling infertility - I am thinking of you. I promise to never forget. I wish I could hug all of you just as how i would like myself to be hugged and comforted, because some things just cannot be expressed in words.

These are my opinions and my feelings. I am not trying to speak for all of those who have experienced infertility - and I do not try to completely understand what each individual has or is going through. I also don't mean to imply that those without infertility problems do not cherish their kids or appreciate their pregnancies. I know that most do. It is not my intention to upset or hurt anyone. I just wish that more people were compassionate about this issue, and that they thought before they spoke. I wish that more people realized how hard it can be for some people to get and then stay pregnant. I just wish that they may be sensitive enough to understand what women like me have been going through.

I hope I can now sleep comfortably!!! 'can't believe that I made this long, emotional and sincere thoughts!

"sunday menu"

It's a great Sunday! A tiring one, but super-duper-enjoy to the max, to the highest level...ooopppssss OA na! hahaha! a couple of weekends ago, I started to regain my passion for cooking. I really really love to cook. At a young age, I’ve already appreciated the art of cooking. Hmmm... 'Wonder why I took up engineering course when I was in college??? hahaha! So much for that, I’ve already realized that matter a long time ago!

This Sunday, I baked some goodies to excite my husband’s appetite as well as my sister’s!! Owwwsss! Hyperbole!!! I’ve been trying to perfect my “pastry-making-ability”! really?!! Duh! Hahaha! Oh, but I’m confident to say that I make good pastries… wanna try some? J Today I made meat tart and cream puffs! Grabe! Sipag noh!!!! 2 recipes in one day! Improving! Oh by the way, last Sunday I made oatmeal cookies. Ara, my sister ate the most of it! Every day, tumatambay siya sa bahay namin just to have a mouthful of oatmeal cookies! Di halata na she kinda’ like it! Oooopppsss!!!! Grabe na! My message for Ara: YOU ARE STARTING TO GAIN WEIGHT BECAUSE OF MY COOKING!!! Oh anyways, she swears that she’ll eat liitle na lang sa susunod! Owwwsss!

But it’s really a big satisfaction!!! Even if it’s so tiring, imagine I’m in the kitchen for 3 to 4 hrs and then they’ll just eat it up in just a blink of an eye!!! Another hyperbole! Hahaha! But it’s really compensating! It makes me happy to see them waiting to have a bite of my “Sunday Menu.” Even my in-laws are now looking forward to Sundays! What a great feeling! Appreciating my craft! CRAFT DAW!

Until next Sunday!!!

a hard night and thinking of baby stuffs!!!!! eeewwww!!!!

I just came to the realization how time flies... tonight is one of my many unpeaceful nights. Nights which makes me think of the things beyond my dreams. But my biggest "issue" in life is that until now i cannot say that I have a family of my own. it's never "WE", which means- me, my husband and our baby... It's always "WE", which means - me and my husband. And I came to realize that a few months from now, we'll be on our 6th year!

I never imagined that trying to conceive would be such a long and dusty road. As sad as it is to admit, it’s hard to hear about my cousins, neighbors and friends getting pregnant and having children. It’s even harder when you have to witness all their joys and changes (even though i am sincerely happy for them) and then look at myself and realize everything…changes. Every day, as often as they think about their own children, is as often i think about the ones i should have. I just never imagined myself getting married and then fighting with my body to have the ONE thing that I desire above anything else…a baby.

I keep catching myself idolizing getting pregnant, having a baby, and raising a toddler. This is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with. Every day i think about when i will have children, and it is soooo hard walking past pregnant women and baby shops. i tried not to be bitter but sometimes i cant help it. even when i was still single, i never failed to go into all the baby stores in the malls and pick out some stuffs as my collections which eventually became gifts to my nieces, nephews or my friends' babies. when i was diagnosed with infertility problem, i thought it was not a big deal, i thought medications will help me in just one click! but i was wrong! Time has passed and until now i am still waiting in vain! I've been to a roller-coaster-ride emotion! Maybe a thousand-blog-entry is not enough to express my ups and downs of my struggles. my passion in going into baby shops vanished for some time. i couldn't even walk past those shops or even look at my collections of baby magazines and other baby stuffs. i have plenty of mags about babies and parenting which for some time was put at the deepest part of my closet to avoid even a slight glimpse of it! i gave away all my Elmo of sesame street collections. taking away all my treasured possession was painful... but i was able to recover from that down moment... i now again visit baby shops... i go and do something which i know would hurt me, but i haven't given up hope (for now) so i now again walk around the baby section touching every single baby stuff i would like to have someday for my baby and even pick up baby and parenting mags to add to my collections and instead of hiding it in my closet, i now put it in my magazine rack and read it every once in a while. i don't know why i do this to myself when i know it might just hurt me again, but i know that if i didn't, i would have given up hope of ever having a baby.

Sigh!

Do's and DONT's to a CHILDLESS COUPLEv

Do's and Dont's to a CHILDLESS COUPLE

Upon reading this on someone's blog, I was tempted to post it here too, hoping those who knew me will stumble upon this and learn some tips of what not to say. just in case..hehe!

Do's and Dont's to a CHILDLESS COUPLE (in short, wag maging taklesa... it hurts, you know)

* Don't ask a childless person when they are going to have a child. They may be going through the process of trying to conceive but have not yet achieved success. Asking them only reminds them of their problem. They need no extra reminders.

* Don't relate stories of your fertility to them. Hearing "my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant" is very annoying. While well-meaning, the statement is insensitive.

* Don't give advice such as "just relax," "you are trying too hard" or "take a cruise." All of these very common comments imply that the couple has control of their fertility. Most of the time, these couples have absolutely no control over their fertility. Implying control leads to feelings of failure and guilt when this advice doesn't work.

* Don't offer advice such as sexual timing, position, herbal medications or other totally unproven therapies. There are literally hundreds of old-wife's-tails that, when followed, can drive an infertile patient nearly crazy. Their physician will have covered those natural aspects of their care that may maximize their chances for conception. Once again, please to not imply that they have a sense of control.

* Don't express your derogatory personal opinions regarding insemination procedures, test-tube babies or adoption. Sometimes, these are their only hope for having a child. These are your opinions and uninvited advice is rarely neither desired nor constructive. You are absolutely entitled to your opinion, simply keep it your own. If they ask for your advice, then feel free to state your opinions, but do so in a kind and considerate manner.

* Don't place blame by accusing the couple of exercising too much, eating the wrong foods or drinking alcohol. These couples may already be blaming themselves. Their physician will have already covered the medical and reproductive consequences of obesity, smoking, alcohol and recreation drugs. Support them in the cessation of these activities and minimize the guilt associated with their consumption. The guilt rarely leads to cessation but often moves the individual to increased consumption.

What You Can Say and Do...

* Do provide couples with plenty of emotional support by saying "It must be difficult to go through this" and "I'm here to listen if you need to talk."

* Do remember that men can be just as emotional about the problem, sometimes even more so. They may feel their masculinity is at risk.

* Do understand the couple's need for privacy.

* Do try to understand that if they are your employees, frequent doctor's appointments may be necessary during business hours. Please try to accommodate them as much as possible. Not doing so may also be construed as a form of discrimination and place you at legal risk.

* Do understand why they may not make it to a baby shower or a holiday event. These frequent events can become overwhelming for an infertile couple.

* Do tell the infertile couple that there is hope.

***There are times when it is better to just keep quiet, rather than say anything.

i'm not feeling well!

I'm not feeling well today. headache, tonsillitis, backache, etc... but what i am so concerned about is that i am now experiencing hypertension! yeah, you heard it right! with a capital letter H! a few days ago, i went to a doctor and found out that i have a very high blood pressure.

hay!!! grabe , i'm still young but i have hypertension already. I can't laugh about it, i know it's a serious matter. Now, i exercise regularly, at least 30 minutes a day. I am trying to be a vegan!!! i don't know if i can really be one!!! lots of veggies, fruits and oats! it's a good thing i love oats and milk. grabe!!! maging health buff ba???