a baby named angel...

today is one of my down-moments...

my husband is already sleeping soundly, so early... maybe because he knows that I am grieving deep inside… he respects my moment of silence. i tried to go to sleep but i really can't...my heart is full of emotion... i wanted to cry but no tears at all... kaya heto... i hope blogging can help ease my pain away...

i can't control my feelings... i am greatly affected by the text message that i received a few hours ago... that my ate bebot has finally gave birth (after days of hard labor and pain)... but the baby died...

ate bebot is a very close family friend, sobrang close kami kasi when i was in grade 1 and she was in high school, i used to tag with her since we're on the same school. she's a dear ate to me and my sisters. Sobrang close ang mga family namin that’s why sobrang affected kami sa nangyari sa kanya.

She’s already in her late 30’s when she got pregnant. Upon knowing na pregnant siya, we were all so happy.. I even prayed to God na ok lang kung mauna siya sa akin magbuntis…. And all praise to God because she really got pregnant on her first try of fertility treatment… seeing her in maternity dresses makes me happy. Until we were all shocked when she told us on her 8^th month of pregnancy na merong problema ang baby niya… hydrocephalus.

During that time, we were all shocked and sad... we told her to seek for a second opinion kasi baka nagkamali lang yong doctor, but it was confirmed that her baby has hydrocephalus… and worst of all, the doctor told her that the baby might not survive and even told her to call the baby ANGEL, and just enjoy the baby in her womb.

This morning she gave birth without having the chance to have a glimpse of her angel… the baby was already dead in her womb… Ate bebot was in critical stage for a couple of hours… and all praise to God that she is now recovering.

I can feel the pain in her heart… Just like Ate Bebot, I’ve been praying for a baby for a long time… and it really bothers me a lot just thinking how she is dealing with her trials. I just pray that baby angel will be an angel to her mother, to guide her and give her strength especially at this moment of grieving.


At last, now I can sleep…

to be a mom

i once read in my friend's friendster shout out that a woman's greatest achievement is to be a mother: i read it over and over and over again until my mind fully absorbed the phrase... actually that thought is never new to me... remember the winning answer of Ms. India, Sushmita Sen, during the Ms. Universe pageant??? the essence of a woman is to bear a child!!!

Actually that kind of thought always hit me! It's hard to admit that up to now i am not yet complete as a woman. I've been married for more than 5 yrs but is not yet blessed to have every woman's joy... a baby. i would be a hypocrite if i will say that i am not affected on being childless.... i've struggled enough with that reality... it's hard for me since i love kids so much... i know that i would be a good mother to my children, but unfortunately, my prayers are not yet enough... though i don't lose hope but i am in deep pain.

it's hard especially that I belong to big family. almost every year, there is an additional member to our family. my cousins who are younger than me, already have kids and sometimes there are family gatherings which i don't want to attend. All i got is just additional pain! I know that people sometimes gives suggestions, comments on my being childless, it's because they care, but maybe i am just being attacked by paranoia that i took it negatively. but i hope others can also understand my situation.


My faith is the one that makes me strong!!! amidst these trials, still i am not losing hope.... i know i still have the chance. but if to the extent that i would not really be a blessed to be mother... i don't think i am not essential as a woman, i may not achieve my greatest dream, but what is important is that i can accept my destiny, it is what the LORD has prepared for me... all we just have to do is learn to accept what is meant for us... it is painful but life must go on...

Oh!!!! i am becoming so emotional again!!! it's not yet over!!! right??? Sometimes mean people are the one who makes my situation miserable... I pray that God will give them enough wisdom to understand me and my feelings.

blog...blog...blog

blogging for me is one way of self expression, that's why i became interested. i am a very emotional person, but most of the time, i find it difficult to express my feelings especially if I am hurting. I always put my emotions into writing. Before, i used to have a diary. Then i also learned another way of self expression, i used to write my "feelings" in a colorful paper (depends on my mood) , pink if i'm in love, blue if i'm sad, yellow if i'm feeling gay, white if i feel i need to "talk" with the LORD, black if i am hurting... etc...

I also have other means of expressing myself into writing - blogging. For the past few years, I enjoy doing this, but it also means that anybody can view my blogs, it means i am permitting others to invade my privacy... hahaha... uhm... maybe not really, since i don't advertise my link or only a few will know my blog site... few important people whom I'd entrust my blog site. but as long as i am true to myself, i need not to worry if others may read my entries. it's just a matter of understanding who i am... Opinions and comments are welcome especially if I've tackled a sensitive matter and hurt someone because of what i've written, but making comments just to be sarcastic and mean --- well, better shut up! It's the real me!

my memories are gone!!!

i have two blog sites, this one is the newest... but what bothers me most is that my old blog site is gone!!! it was my memories for so many years!!! it was my diary of special moments in my life! i really don't know what happened... it feels like my past has simply swept away!!! what is happening to me??? i lost my new umbrella, i lost my cellphone, and now my blogs??? UGH!UGH!UGH!

my babies

I just love kids!!!! i simply adore kids! even at an early age, I'm so fond of babies! (ironically, i don't have my own until now!...again... don't ask me why?...maybe on a separate blog entry??? But even before i got married, i already have an unexplainable "longing" for children... and I'd love to talk about my "babies". as in grabe! over to the max!!!



This is jasmin. She's my pretty cousin. she practically grew up with me. i was always part of her special moments from the day that she was born ( I was at the hospital when she was born). In fact, I am her Godmother and i really consider her my baby daughter!!! she's now 4 yrs old and a baby no more... now a pretty, pretty girl! maarteng girlalu!


This is my Inaanak Cheska! She's the daughter of my good friend Grace! she's a bright little girl! with a superb sense of humor... hmmm... what can you expect! with a parents like grace and chris!!! nakakalokah!
My nephew, ETHAN!!! I love this little boy so much!!! full of energy and i can say that he'll grow up to be an intelligent boy! he's two years old, the son of my sister-in-law, Laarni. cute, cute, cute little boy!




This is PIA. My adopted baby! LOL! she's my neighbor's daughter. she calls me PHENNY, she's turning 4 but still can't call me PHANIE! hehehe... she's so madaldal! as in over... she talks like a 20 year-old mataray lady! hahaha... a spoiled-brat! but still, i love this baby girl... i just sometimes worry about her bratty-little-thing-act! But i will try my best to help her be a good girl!





These are my nephews - Lance and JL, sons of my cousin Lai. Lance is my husband's inaanak. I call this young boy Lance Yabang! Hahaha! Super Kulit pero di naman nakakainis! Hehehe... he always demands for pasalubong whenever I visit them. Hehehe. A very bright boy! JL is the shy type! But I know soon he'll be super kulit just like his brother Lance. I miss them both since I seldom visit them now...



Joyce, Angel, Hazel and Joanzel(not in the picture). These 4 girls are super sweet!!! we call them "vetsin". Hehehe! As if they have vetsin in their tongue! it simply means... they have good appetite! they can eat full, full, full meals! Maybe Tita Beth, their mother gave them an overdose of tiki-tiki! LOL! But we now miss these 4 girls! They are now in Cabanatuan... Maybe they will be teenagers na pagbalik nila!!! Sigh!


I STILL HAVE LOTS OF BABIES! I'LL TELL ABOUT THEM ON MY NEXT BLOGS... AND HOPEFULLY, I'D BE BLESSED TO TALK ABOUT "MY OWN" BABIES... SOON!